my kingdom awaits
by eeenjolras
Summary: a condensed history of stephanie rogers. from start to new beginnings.
1. Chapter 1

"You're dress is ripped," one of Bucky's girls, Lauren, says coyly.

Steph flushes bright red and spins in an attempt to find it. Her dress had gotten caught in the door earlier. Lauren and Betty giggle, covering their mouths with their hands. Steph stops immediately, her ugly blush spreading up to her ears and down her neck. It must have looked pretty funny for Steph to be spinning frantically trying to a rip on her back. Steph begins to cough from the exertion.

"Careful now, Steph," Bucky says worriedly, walking about and slinging his arm around her shoulders. "Don't wanna asthma attack to end the night early."

"There's a rip on my dress," Steph manages through the cough.

Bucky briefly checks and raises and an eyebrow.

"I don't see anything," he assures her. "I think you're just imagining things, Steph."

Steph hangs her head. She should have known the girls were trying to mock her. They always are. Girls just weren't nice to her. The other girls are often jealous of the attention Steph got from Bucky – attention that could be spent on them. They hope by mocking Steph she'll either leave or Bucky will see fault in hanging out with Steph. Usually Steph ends up slipping away halfway through these events and heading home, Bucky is never happy she left but didn't really argue.

_("I'll find some girls who are nice to you, Steph. That way it can be fun for both of us."_

_Bucky's optimism that he'll find Steph more friends makes Steph's chest hurt. She doesn't want more friends. She has Bucky.)_

"With that dealt with, shall we go?" Bucky smiles sliding off Steph and bending both arms out.

Lauren and Betty both latch on and the three of them move as a unit. Steph trails behind them slowly. They were heading to a dance hall; Steph will be able to slip away when Bucky takes one of the girls onto the dance floor. He usually notices almost immediately but doesn't say anything until he got home, smoke on his breath, a dazed smile on his face, and a crooked collar around his neck.

Steph wishes she could be enough for Bucky like he's enough for her.

* * *

"Stephanie Rogers aren't you just the prettiest girl on the block today," Mrs. McConnell, the butcher's wife, calls out as Steph walks by on her way to school.

Steph blushes because Mrs. McConnell means it. Sarah Rogers and Mrs. McConnell are good friends, which means that the butcher's wife has a certain fondness for the little spitfire that is Steph Rogers.

"Thank you," she calls back.

It's the first day back after the summer break and Steph's mother plaited her hair neatly, tying it with a blue ribbon Sarah Rogers had saved for months to purchase. It's basic, with no weaving, but made with silk and extremely soft to the touch. Steph certainly feels pretty today. Despite her knobby knees and elbows and her frail body, she feels pretty. It's a wonderful feeling to be noticed at all.

It evaporates immediately upon reaching the schoolyard. Nobody notices Steph Rogers even with the pretty blue ribbon tied so delicately.

Art is the last class of the day and Steph likes to stick around and help the teacher clean up. Most kids don't really respect that the art supplies they have available are precious gifts. The teacher gives Steph a tired smile before sending her on her way.

The schoolyard is mostly abandoned. There is the group of the local bullies surrounding a boy from a younger grade. This younger boy is sitting on the ground with his hand partly covering his tear stained face.

"Hey!" she shouts, marching over hands on her bony hips. "Leave him alone!"

"Oh goody it's Rogers," one of the older bullies, Marcus, sneers.

The bullies turn to face her, completely forgetting their previous target.

"You're right it's me!" Steph snaps. "And you better leave that boy alone or I'll – I'll –"

"You'll do what, Rogers? Tell on me? Or _hit me_?" Marcus grins meanly.

"Ya I'll hit you!" Steph blurts in the heat of the moment. "I'll break your nose too!"

The bullies begin to laugh and Steph notices the younger boy they were picking on slips away. She smiles a bit before steeling her expression back into its previous scowl.

"That's a pretty ribbon you got there, Rogers. Your ma steal it?" Larry, another boy mocks.

Steph sees red and whirls to face him.

"You leave my ma alone, she'd never steal anything that ain't hers!" Steph snaps. "She bought this with her own money."

Now facing Larry and with her back to Marcus, Marcus reaches out and plucks the ribbon straight from Steph's hair. Her blond hair begins to unravel.

"This looks too high class for a poor, dirty immigrant," Marcus chortles, holding the ribbon out of Steph's reach.

"Give it back!" Steph shouts, hands curling into fists.

"I don't think I will," Marcus grins, leaning in to get into Steph's face.

No thought crosses Steph's mind, just instinct and emotion. She slams her tiny fist with as much force into Marcus' face.

Marcus reels back, dropping the ribbon, and clutching face. Steph thinks she can see a bit of blood.

"That hurt!" Marcus shouts. "I think I'm bleeding!"

Steph's vaguely proud of herself even though she knows her ma will just sigh, shake her head, and whisper: "oh a _leanbh_.1"

"You're not going to get away with this, Rogers," Marcus snaps.

Before Steph knows it, she's being shoved into dirt, her clean clothes being soiled by a puddle. Her hands scrap against the stones causing her palms to sting. The bullies loom over her and Steph momentarily fears what will happen, but a new voice cuts in.

"Hey! What do you think you're doing?" a boy shouts from the entrance to the schoolyard.

Steph's never seen him before, but he's got a wide, confident stance. He's got authority.

"Ugh it'sthe new kid," one of bullies, Steph doesn't recognize him, sighs. "His pa's a military officer – we better back off."

"Yeah you better," this boy scowls marching over.

Marcus shoots Steph one last dirty look, blood dripping down his face, but the bullies clear out. The other boy comes closer. Steph thinks he's maybe a few years older than her. He's definitely not in her class, which is the only one for her year.

"My ma says a lady shouldn't go pickin fights," the boy comments, walking up to her.

Steph is still sitting in the puddle and her palms sting. She refuses to feel embarrassed.

"I ain't a lady," Steph scowls.

The boy offers her his hand. Steph takes it, hissing between gritted teeth as the rocks press further into the scrapes on her palm.

"You need to get those cleaned out, come with me to my place right around the corner. My ma will get you all cleaned up."

"I don't even know you," Steph says, narrowing her eyes. "My ma says I shouldn't go home with boys I don't know."

The boy frowns. Their hands are still clasped together.

"Fine. I'm James Buchanan Barnes," he introduces, gently shaking their clasped hands.

Steph doesn't wince in pain.

"That's a mouthful," Steph comments.

"Just call me Bucky," Bucky smiles. "Everyone else does."

"Okay," Steph agrees. "I'm Stephanie Rogers, but you can just call me Steph."

Bucky nods agreeably.

"Okay we know each other now. Come with me to my house and my ma will clean you up now."

Steph still hesitates. Her mother is expecting her home. She doesn't want to worry Sarah but it would worry her mother even more if Steph came home looking like she did.

"One second," Steph says scanning the ground.

She releases Bucky's hand and quickly goes to where her blue ribbon fell to the ground. It's covered in footprints now and it slightly torn around the edges. Steph feels tears form around her eyes.

"My ma can fix that too," Bucky says earnestly. "She's a seamstress. She can fix it all up."

Steph looks at Bucky and he's smiling at her so brightly, Steph wants to believe him. He offers his hand once more and after a short pause, she takes. Well, she takes his fingers – it hurts too much too press her palms to anything.

Bucky talks a lot on the short walk to his house. Steph just listens as Bucky tells her about his dad, who got them transferred here, and his four younger siblings2 who are far too noisy for his liking.

When they arrive at the Barnes household it's very loud. Steph is use to a quiet apartment, the only noises her mother's soft whispering and the bleeding through noise from other apartments and the outside world. Otherwise, Steph lives a quiet life. The house itself is much larger and fuller than any apartment Steph has ever lived in.

"Ma I'm home!" Bucky shouts and lets go of Steph's hand to peel off his coat.

Mrs. Barnes comes marching around the corner, her brown hair neatly coifed and her hands on her hips.

"You're late, James, you better not have been –" the reprimand dies on Mrs. Barnes' lips when she sees Steph. "And who might this be?"

"Stephanie Rogers, ma'am," Steph greets politely.

"Steph punched some bully in the nose cause he was picking on her!" Bucky says excitedly.

Mrs. Barnes sighs just a little at Bucky's exuberance and Steph vaguely wonders if Bucky is also part of the noise he seems to despise. "And they shoved her in a puddle and I came to help her out and told her that you could clean her up!"

"Of course you did," Mr. Barnes sighs, but smiles brightly. "I'm Winifred Barnes, Bucky's mother. Come along dear, let's get you cleaned up."

Steph sees where Bucky gets his warmth from as Winifred places a hand on Steph's back and leads her to the kitchen. Bucky follows excitedly still talking away about how great his mother is to Steph.

"Sit up there," Winifred directs, pointing to a chair before collecting a few items from the kitchen.

Steph is still clutching the ribbon in her hand.

"What's so important about that ribbon anyway?" Bucky asks curiously.

"My ma bought it for me," Steph says quietly. "She saved for months to buy it for me and on the first day I wrecked it."

The tears are coming back and when Winifred kneels in front of Steph she frowns. Bucky frowns like Winifred.

"What's wrong, Stephanie?"

Stephanie shows her the ribbon and points to her now knotted hair. Winifred tsk's thoughtfully.

"James go grab your sister's hair brushes," Winifred directs.

"But I wanna stay with Steph," Bucky protests.

Winifred gives him a look and Bucky sighs before running off. Steph and Winifred don't speak while Bucky's gone. Winifred gently and methodically wipes Steph's hands clean and free of rocks before applying bandages.

"Good as new," Winifred smiles.

Bucky skids back in with a hairbrush in hand.

"Rebecca wouldn't let me have it at first," Bucky groans. "She's so difficult."

Winifred shares a secret look with Steph and Steph laughs. She likes feeling a part of this dynamic.

"Now there is nothing I can do about your dress but I can fix up your hair," Winifred tells her. "As for your ribbon I know a few tricks to clean it up."

Steph nods and offers the ribbon to Winifred. Winifred seems to quick work magic on the satin ribbon and it looks almost brand new, with the exception of fraying. Steph smiles as Winifred shows it to her for a quiet inspection.

Winifred easily situates herself so she can brush Steph's hair. Bucky watches absolutely enthralled with the process. Time moves quickly and soon Winifred is patting Steph on the back and smiling.

"All fixed," Winifred announces.

"Thank you," Steph says, getting off the chair.

"It's my pleasure, Stephanie."

Steph glances at the clock. She was expected at home over a half hour ago.

"I need to get going home, my ma's going to be worried sick," Steph says.

"I'll walk you!" Bucky volunteers.

Winifred looks like she wants to protests but seems resigned to let Bucky do as he pleases.

"Come on, Steph. I wanna see where you live!"

"It's nowhere special," Steph mumbles under her breath.

Bucky's bouncing at the door, coat on and hand out again. Steph takes it, clasping it fully this time. The pain in her palm is only a dull ache.

"Come back soon, Stephanie," Winifred smiles. "You're welcome to come here for an impromptu clean up anytime."

(Winifred Barnes never cleans up Stephanie again. Instead it's Bucky who learns from his ma because he's the one who wants to take care of Steph.)

"Thank you again, Mrs. Barnes," Steph nods.

Bucky keeps them moving at a swift pace, Steph directing their course though, while still talking nonstop. This time Steph talks back and feels warmth spread through her as she realizes that she has a friend.

When they arrive at Steph's apartment block, Sarah is sitting on the front steps looking absolutely terrified. She nearly bursts into tears when she sees Steph walking up.

"Stephanie Grace Rogers, where have you been? What happened to your dress? Who is this boy?" Sarah demands.

"Steph tripped in a puddle and scrapped her hands up real bad so I offered to let my ma stitch her up," Bucky says, giving Sarah and award winning smile. "As for me, I'm James Buchanan Barnes. You can call me Bucky, if you like."

Sarah narrows her eyes at Bucky and Steph holds her breath for a beat. Her mother buys the lie.

"Well thank you for taking care of my daughter, Mr. Barnes. That was very gentlemanly of you."

"I ain't no gentleman," Barnes grins, winking at Steph. "Just doing the right thing."

Sarah smiles softly.

"Come along and let's get you changed, Stephanie. You can see Bucky tomorrow."

Sarah turns and makes her way back into the building. Steph turns to look at Bucky.

"Thanks for everything, Bucky," Steph says earnestly.

"Anytime," Bucky responds and Steph believes him. "See you tomorrow?"

Steph nods and breaks into a grin. Bucky grins back and turns around, breaking into a run back to his own home.

* * *

"Can I try?" Bucky asks, as Steph fiddles with her hair.

Steph's braid is coming undone and she's desperately trying to redo it. They are both sitting on Steph's bed after school. Sarah thinks they're doing their homework but instead they've long abandoned it to talk about baseball.

"You wanna try and braid my hair?" Steph questions incredulously.

"Yeah, if we're gonna be friends I gotta be able to do your hair. I've practiced on Rebecca so I'd be good for you."

Steph tries her best not to blush at the idea that Bucky wanted to be good enough for her. Like he needs to be good enough for her.

"Okay," Steph concedes. "Just be gentle."

"I promise," Bucky smiles but looks nervous.

Steph hands Bucky her now pale blue ribbon and the hairbrush before turning around. She's looking into the mirror so she can watch what Bucky's doing. She doesn't want him to accidently pull out all of her hair.

With a look of intense concentration and his tongue poking out, Bucky begins running the brush through Steph's hair. His strokes are methodically and slow; he's very careful not to pull on the knots. When Bucky's deemed the hair brushed to his standard, he meticulously puts the brush on the bed and focuses on the hair in front of him.

It's an odd feeling, feeling Bucky's fingers card through her hair. It's different than the feeling that she gets when her mother runs her hands through Steph's hairs, but born from a similar emotion. Steph wonders what this means.

Bucky's hands are shaky and he doesn't wind the braid tight enough, but he manages to create a half decent product. It's got loose strands and feels odd on Steph's head, but Steph still loves it. It's no where near Sarah Rogers' level or even Steph's own plaiting abilities. He ties the ribbon in a sloppy bow but with flourish.

"Ta-da!" he announces.

"It's perfect, thank you, Bucky," Steph says sincerely.

As Bucky turns a soft pink, in the first and last time Steph sees him blush, Steph knows that this feeling is love.

Stephanie Rogers is undeniably in love with her best friend.

* * *

Steph's never really had patience, time, or money for makeup. Her mother doesn't use it, so Steph never uses it either. Her mother looks beautiful without it, and Steph likes to think she looks like her mom so she must be beautiful too. Sarah Rogers thought the same.

"You're the most beautiful girl on the planet," Sarah coos, brushing out Steph's hair with her fingers.

Steph stares at herself in the mirror and believes her mother. Her hair is a beautiful shade of blonde that some might even describe as golden and her eyes are a sharp but warm blue, like her father's eyes. On the other hand, Steph's face is still all awkward angles and her skin often an off colour due to her health.

"All the other girls are starting to wear makeup," Steph says trying to sound casual as her mother's deft fingers plait her hair.

"Are they now?" Sarah asks. "Don't think you're a little young?"

"I'm sixteen," Steph frowns. "So are the others."

Sarah sighs.

"You're perfect just the way you are," Sarah tells her. "But if you want to some makeup, I'll try my best."

The next day, Sarah Rogers comes home late. Steph is waiting for her eagerly at the kitchen table.

"You're not with Bucky?" Sarah asks, a bag in her hand.

Sarah's got a bright but tired smile.

"He's got a date with Anne," Steph says offhandedly.

"Anne's nice," Sarah comments even though she met Anne once and that was when Bucky was dropping Steph off. Anne had waved politely at Sarah from a distance.

"Annie's kind of mean. What's in the bag?" Steph asks, reaching out to grab it.

Sarah smiles.

"Patience, _a_ _leanbh_," Sarah murmurs and Steph pulls back. "I got you a gift."

Steph immediately frowns. She knows what the cost of her mother getting her a gift.

"Don't frown, you asked for something and I got it for you. There's no cost in keeping you happy," Sarah says.

"You still didn't have too," Steph replies.

She wanted something and now she feels bad about it. Nevertheless, Sarah pours out the bag on the table and a few items clattered to the table.

"I asked around at work and the women were happy to help you out Steph. You've seemed to make an impression on them."

Steph smiles shyly.

"It was one time," Steph says.

"One time that you helped them all out and let them keep their jobs," Sarah replies. "Now do you want to test this stuff out?"

Steph nods eagerly and Sarah leads her to the bathroom and sat her down in front of the mirror.

"This is my first time too, so go easy on me," Sarah directs sternly but a smile on her lips.

"Of course ma. Maybe I could practice on you too?" Steph grins.

Sarah shakes her head.

"I'm too old to be dressing up like some pretty girl going for a night on the town."

"You're never too old," Steph protests. "But you don't need makeup to look like some pretty girl on town."

"You're too sweet for this world, Steph."

Sarah gets to work, carefully lining Steph's eyes with kohl, accentuating her thin lips with bright red lipstick and cheeks with pink blush. It's uncomfortable but Steph doesn't move a muscle. She's excited to see what the final product is.

"All done," Sarah announces, stepping out of the way of the mirror.

Steph looks at herself in the mirror. She looks ridiculous. The kohl is uneven and her lips look too fake. She loves it nonetheless.

"I don't think I'm going to wear makeup in public," Steph laughs.

Sarah smiles at her.

"Not really your style, huh?"

Steph shakes her head. Sarah grins and leans over to kiss the crown of Steph's head.

"You're beautiful no matter what you look like, Steph. Now let's get you cleaned up."

* * *

"Is that me?" Bucky asks.

Steph snaps her sketchbook shut. She's sitting on the back steps of the school, sketching scenes from memory. This one is particular is Bucky roaring with laughter at the Barnes' dinner table because of a story his youngest sibling told about their school experience.

"Shouldn't you be in class?" she snaps.

"Shouldn't you be in class?" he parrots.

"I'm on break," Steph replies defiantly, raising her pointy chin.

"Mmm, me too," Bucky says grinning.

Steph scowls at him. They both know he has math right now.

"So is that me?" Bucky inquires, gesturing with his eyes at the sketchbook.

Steph sighs and opens the sketch of Bucky. He'd already seen it; there is no point in trying to hide it. She slides into his lap and turns away in embarrassment.

"I knew you could draw, but I didn't think you were this good," Bucky whistles.

Steph is notoriously private with her drawing. Especially with her drawings of people. She mostly shares her landscapes, people take less offense to those than images of themselves. She watches Bucky trace his fingers along the jaw in the sketch and then his own.

"Wow, Steph. These are amazing! Have you ever thought about art school?" Bucky says in awe.

Steph shrugs.

"I don't know if I'm good enough," Steph admits.

"Are you kidding me!?" Bucky shouts in exasperation. "Look at this! Of course you are good enough. Any school would be crazy to turn you down."

"You think so?"

Bucky slings his arm around her shoulder.

"Have I ever given you reason to doubt me?"

Steph shakes her head.

"Never."

* * *

Steph likes to call Bucky Irish terms of endearment. He doesn't know what's she's saying and so he often thinks she's calling him things like "pal" or "friend." Steph doesn't bother to correct him. She hopes that no one ever catches on either; she doesn't know any other Irish speakers so she thinks she's safe.

It feels like a confession pouring off her lips every time she says '_a ghrá' _or more commonly '_a mhuirnín.' _Her mother taught her that terms can be used describe close friends, not just lovers. The meaning changes with each use and the situation their in, but the affection is the same each time. When she feels risky, she'll call him '_a stór.'_

Even if her romantic feelings aren't reciprocated, Steph knows that the love she and Bucky share is still strong and the thing that Steph holds most dear in her life.

When it's cold out, she and Bucky share a bed to conserve heat. The Rogers' apartment doesn't have the best heating and so Bucky gives up his own warm bed to keep Steph warm. Despite Sarah's minor disapproval of two teenagers sharing a bed.

(They'll stop caring about what people think about their living situation shortly after moving into together. Their own apartment won't have the best heating either. It is a good way to conserve heat and money).

She whispers more intimate terms into Bucky's ear when she's sure he's asleep. Bucky smiles in his sleep when this occurs. His solid body curled around her small one, protecting her. They fit together like a glove. His chin on her shoulder and his warm breath ghosting across her cheek. It's entirely platonic. Steph likes it that way.

"_A rúnsearc," _she whispers and wishes so hard it makes her heart ache that she could say it to Bucky in English and when he's awake. "_A ghrá geal._"

The risk of the secret whispers is worth it, particularly when they face each other and Steph can see the subconscious smile curl up on Bucky's face. Bucky's always liked when Steph speaks Irish, though he can gets annoyed when Steph talks too much in it because then he can't understand her. When her mother was still around, Steph would only call Bucky: '_A dhlúthchara.'_

Steph is very careful in the endearments she used around her mother. Sarah often spends hours lecturing Steph on the importance of keeping her heart safe. Steph's positive that Bucky's the safest for her heart, after all he's been keeping every other part of her safe.

Only in her mind, where no one else can hear her, does Steph call Bucky _m'fhíorghrá_, 'my true love' or some might say 'soul mate.' It's a passionate term and Steph keeps it close to her heart.

* * *

Steph and Bucky move in together a few months after Sarah dies. At first Bucky wants Steph to come live with him in his parents' house but Steph can't impose. Steph has to drop out of art school, she can't afford to keep going now that's she's on her own. Bucky demanding they move into together is his play to attempt to keep her in school. But bills still need to be paid and Steph needs to contribute with what job she could manage.

They have a one-bedroom apartment, with two tiny beds smashed to separate walls but on cold nights together or just all of the coverings on one. It's ridiculously tiny but Steph loves it because it's theirs.

Steph learns to cook from what little they have. Bucky burns everything. Bucky finds little treasures to fill their apartment. He finds a painting in a dumpster within the first week of living together. Steph demands they keep the painting but Bucky immediately tears it out and hangs up one of Steph's own charcoal drawings of Steph's mother.

"She's always watching you," Bucky murmurs, wrapping an arm around Steph's shoulders and pulling her tight.

"She's always watching us," Steph corrects. "She loved you too."

"Yeah, she sure did," Bucky smiles softly.

* * *

Bucky smokes on the fire escape every so often. Cigarettes are expensive so he rations them carefully; Steph spends a fair portion of her wage on cigarettes for Bucky. Bucky has a love/hate relationship with smoking. On one hand he loves the feeling he gets but on the other, he hates that Steph can't come within ten feet of him after he's smoked for at least two showers which need to be carefully portioned, or their bill gets too large.

"I'm sorry, Steph," Bucky chatters from the other side of the room.

Steph tries to shrug but she's shivering too hard.

"S'okay, Buck. It's not your fault I have asthma."

"Should've thought about you when I decided to have that cigarette after work today. 'Specially since it's getting cold."

It's late and they are both far too cold to fall asleep. Steph can feel her eyes grow heavy but the gnawing cold is too distracting. Steph's mad that Bucky feels bad about doing something he likes. They both have to be cold because she has asthma (not that Bucky gets any body heat from cuddling with bony girl).

"You should at least take my blankets," Bucky says.

"Then you'll be cold – you gotta work tomorrow morning," Steph protests.

"Nah," Bucky grins, quickly crossing the room to drop his blankets on Steph. "Sweet dreams, Steph."

The scent of Bucky envelops Steph in familiarity and allows her to pretend that they are sleeping wrapped up together.

"Good night, _m'fhíorghrá_," Steph whispers.

The next morning, Steph isn't sure if she actually said it or if it was a dream or if Bucky even heard it. Bucky doesn't say anything about the word he's never heard before, so Steph allows herself to let it lie.

* * *

Bucky doesn't bring girls back to the apartment. Steph knows it's because the other girls don't want to know that Bucky's got a female roommate. Most girls know they're friends, but don't know that they're roommates. So Bucky goes back to their places and comes back smelling like their perfume and their makeup occasionally smudged across his skin.

Steph sits on her bed, sketchbook in her lap when Bucky comes home from dancing. She's drawing the retreating backs of Lauren, Betty, and Bucky. She begrudgingly admits that it's a good scene to draw, as she attempts to recreate the girls' body language and Bucky's confident stance.

"You shouldn't have gone home, Stephie," Bucky says, lipstick on his colour. "We went to the beach and laid under the starts after dancing. Lauren and Betty say they missed you."

Steph is sharply aware that Bucky called her Stephie. A nickname, which she hates, Bucky only uses when he's not entirely present.

'_Sure they did,_' Steph bites back bitterly.

"So was it Lauren or Betty?" Steph asks.

"What do you mean?" Bucky asks, slightly confused.

Steph sighs deeply and mimes wiping lipstick of her cheek. Bucky laughs, embarrassed, and attempts to rub it off with his sleeve. It only makes it worse. Steph rolls her eyes and sets her sketchbook before walking across the room to help Bucky out. He has to sit down for her to properly and comfortably reach his face. She places her small hands on his shoulders and guides him to the bed. Bucky eagerly follows. He parts his legs and Steph steps between them, to best get access to his face.

Steph likes the sleeve of her own dress and begins to carefully clean away the lipstick.

"Would you believe me if I said neither?" Bucky says quietly.

Steph's methodical cleaning falters, but quickly resumes. Bucky's too much on cloud nine to notice anything.

"I met up with Gracie walking home from the dance after I dropped Lauren and Betty off at home. We danced together too. She's much prettier than Lauren and Betty and dresses a lot better."

Steph focuses on cleaning on Bucky's cheek. Furiously scrubbing.

"Ow!" Bucky snaps. "Careful, Steph."

"Sorry," she mumbles.

"S'okay. It happens."

"Sounds like a good night," Steph says, stepping back and smiling tightly.

Bucky's talked about Gracie before. A lot. Steph feels like she's met this girl, even though oddly she's one girl Steph's never met. Steph hates Gracie even though Bucky insists Steph probably like her. Bucky's right, from the sounds of it Gracie would like Steph too. Gracie sounds like a real winner.

"Yeah," Bucky says dreamily.

"I'm heading to bed now," Steph announces, slipping back to her side of the room and under the covers. "G'night."

"Night, Steph," Bucky murmurs and he's till just sitting on the bed, looking off into space.

Steph faces away from Bucky and tries to feel happy for Bucky's happiness but can't find it in her. She falls asleep long before she hears Bucky's bed creak underneath him as he too slips under the covers.

* * *

Steph's never had the time, patience, or money for makeup. She keeps the makeup her mother once brought home for her, tucked away in a box under bed. She doesn't feel pretty as she once did, with her mother at her side. Not since Steph met Gracie Williams.

_("It's nice to meet you, Stephanie. Bucky never stops talking about you," Gracie smiles, delicately holding out her hand._

"_Same here," Steph replies, finding herself smiling back._

_Her smile isn't pretty like Gracie's, just a goofy, crooked smile. But Gracie is genuine and Steph wants to hate her because of the way Bucky looks at her and talks about her, but she can't hate the only other person who's as genuine as Bucky. Bucky's got his hand slung over Steph's shoulders, like he usually does. He's grinning at both of them. It makes Steph feel nervous._

"_I'm excited for the film tonight, how about you, Steph?" Gracie asks. _

"_She wouldn't shut up about it on the way here," Bucky laughs. _

_Steph turns bright red. Gracie laughs too; it's one of the most beautiful laughs Steph has ever heard. Everything about Gracie is beautiful. She's like a light in the darkness and Steph can't help but laugh too._

_Gracie has dark blond hair and brown eyes that look gold in the light. Her makeup is perfectly applied to her face and Steph knows she looks beautiful without it too. Gracie's dress is a warm colour and made with fine fabrics. It doesn't have any stains or rips. Not like Steph's clothing._

"_Wait here and I'll go get the tickets, ladies," Bucky says, turning to leave._

"_I ain't a lady, James Buchanan Barnes!" Steph shouts in annoyance. _

_Bucky darts away cackling. _

"_How long have you known Bucky?" Gracie asks. _

"_Forever it seems like," Steph shrugs. "I got into a fight and he took me home to his ma afterwards to get cleaned up."_

_Gracie smiles. _

"_He sure does talk fondly about you," she says. _

"_He's got three younger siblings, I'm kind of an extension," Steph says._

_Gracie laughs and shakes her head slightly. _

"_Oh Steph," Gracie giggles._

_Steph's confused and she hopes that Gracie isn't making fun of her. Bucky gets back when Gracie stops laughing and Steph never gets to ask what was so funny.)_

Steph's sitting at their small table, crammed into the corner of their kitchenette. Her open sketchbook is to her left; there is a sketch of Gracie and her perfect smile and perfect makeup in it. To her right are her several pieces of hand-me down makeup.

"I could look like that," Steph whispers. "It can't be that hard."

She shuts the sketchbook and collects her makeup. She hurries to the bathroom and locks the door. Bucky's on a date with Gracie and Steph doesn't expect him back for a couple of hours. She's got time to practice but doesn't want to take any risks.

The blush is the easiest, Steph finds. Her off colour skin is easier enough to bring to life with the brush. She feels like she's got a healthy glow with her pink cheeks instead of her pallor appearance.

The lipstick is an addition to that. Her thin lips appear full and attractive. Steph imagines kissing someone with lips like this.

The kohl is the hardest to apply. She keeps getting it in her eyes. It takes her about twenty minutes to get a single eye done. She's just about to start the second eye when she hears the apartment door open and close.

It doesn't make sense for Bucky to be home so early. Steph panics and shoves the makeup into the trash and quickly attempts to scrub it off her face. It only smudges.

"Steph?" Bucky calls.

"I'll be right there," Steph answers, trying to hide the panic in her voice.

Bucky doesn't respond, but Steph can hear him flop down on his bed, the springs creaking under his weight. She continues her attempt to remove the makeup.

Her entire face is red and her eyes are bloodshot when she finally gets it all off. The cloth she was using is ruined too. She sighs angrily and hesitantly throws it in the trash, to cover the makeup. She looks like she's been crying and Bucky's immediately going to know something's up. Steph leaves the bathroom anyway. Bucky's staring at the ceiling when she steps into the room, but sits up to greet her.

"Hey Steph, have you – whoa have you been crying?" Bucky demands, eyes narrowing.

Steph laughs nervously.

"Not quite," she responds.

Bucky doesn't believe her.

"Who made you cry? Am I going to have to beat someone up again? Did someone hit you? 'Cause I'll make them pay," Bucky's getting riled up and Steph knows pretty soon he's going to run out on the street demanding to know who made her 'cry.'

"Bucky!" Steph shouts. "I'm not crying, I was just washing my face.'

"With what, steel?" Bucky hisses, hands on his hips.

"I was trying to put on makeup and when you came home early, I, uh, panicked," Steph admits sheepishly.

"Makeup? You don't own makeup," Bucky frowns. "You don't need to hide whoever made you cry Steph. Some son of bitch deserves to pay for making you cry."

He thinks she's lying.

Steph sighs and heads to the bathroom. She grabs the ruined cloth and her makeup to bring back to Bucky. She thrusts into them into Bucky's face. He frowns and takes them from her and examines each piece.

"Why were you doing this, Steph?"

"I wanted to know how Gracie did it," Steph admits.

Bucky's face shutters at the mention of Gracie's name. He dumps the makeup onto Steph's bed and crosses back to lie on his own.

"Don't worry yourself with Gracie, we ain't going to see her around anymore," Bucky mutters.

"Aw, I'm sorry Buck. Did she break up with you?" Steph frowns.

"Something like that. Can we not talk about it anymore? I don't want to think of Gracie right now."

"Sure thing. You wanna play poker or something?"

"Poker sounds great. Have you improved your poker face?" Bucky says, sort of smiling.

"Have you improved yours?" Steph shoots back.

Bucky's good at poker but not as good as Steph. Bucky gives her a flimsy smile.

"I'll get the cards and we can play on the floor," Steph offers.

Bucky nods. They spend of the rest of the night, sitting cross-legged and playing poker. Bucky has a storm behind his eyes when he goes to bed, but is fine the next morning. Steph and Bucky didn't talk about Gracie again for a long time.

* * *

War is suddenly everywhere and propaganda is thrust into Steph and Bucky's faces at every moment. Steph wants to go fight. She wants to help because she hates bullies. She can't. She's a girl. Even then she's got a list of health issues through would prevent a male from enlisting.

Bucky's drafted, and he doesn't tell her. She finds the letter tucked under his mattress one day while she's cleaning up their room. For a lack of possessions and space, things get surprisingly messy.

They fight about it. Steph cries and Bucky leaves. She's upset that Bucky lied to her but mostly because this means he's going to leave her. They've always done everything together and now Steph's going to be alone.

Bucky leaves with a slammed door and Steph's never felt more alone. She lies in bed for a day, just crying until she realizes she needs to go find Bucky. If he's going to leave, she doesn't want it to be on terms like this. Steph also doesn't want to waste their waning days together. If Bucky comes back, he'll be a changed man.

Steph goes to the Barnes household first. It's the still the same house, just around the corner from Bucky and Steph's old school. Rebecca's the one to answer the door and narrows her eyes at Steph.

"He's not here," Rebecca says firmly and Steph knows she's lying immediately.

"Please, 'Becca let me see him," Steph begs.

She must look pathetic. Her eyes are red rimmed from crying and not sleeping. She's wearing the same dress she wore yesterday and her braid is everywhere. She just wants Bucky to come back home.

"He doesn't wanna see you," Rebecca says, raising a prim eyebrow and crossing her arms.

Rebecca doesn't look like Bucky at all. She looks like her dad and has the same disapproving tug of her mouth.

"Rebecca," Bucky calls, his voice breaking. "Let her in."

Rebecca begrudgingly let's Steph pass but doesn't stop glaring at Steph. Steph feels Rebecca's angry eyes boring into the back of her head. Bucky gives Rebecca an annoyed look over Steph's head, but it doesn't do anything. Bucky, too, is still wearing the same clothes from yesterday and looks like he had the same amount of sleep as Steph.

"Let's go upstairs," Bucky says.

"Bucky!" Rebecca protests.

"_Rebecca_," Bucky hisses back.

Steph follows Bucky up the slim stairs to his old bedroom. Winifred had turned it into a guestroom following Bucky's departure. The bed has clearly not been slept in, but the quilt is slightly ruffled, from Bucky lying on top of it.

Bucky sits on the bed and Steph nervously sits next to him. She's careful not to touch him, even though she desperately wants to. They sit quietly for a few minutes, Steph trying to build up her courage to say something. Finally, Bucky speaks first.

"I'm sorry I lied to you," he croaks.

"I'm sorry I got confrontational about finding the letter. I should have known better," Steph replies back.

"Well that's just in your nature," Bucky laughs weakly.

Steph smiles a little too. She reaches over and grabs one of Bucky's hands, which he has been ringing nervously together before.

"I hate when we fight," Steph says.

"Me too," Bucky replies, leaning his head on her small shoulder.

Steph wraps Bucky's hand in hers and rubs one thumb over his knuckles.

"I'm scared, Steph. What if I don't come back?"

"You gotta, or else who's going to stop me from pulling stupid stunts," Steph replies, her own throat feeling thick.

"Yeah, I guess I do," Bucky mumbles. "My old man's so proud, says I'm really 'living up to the Barnes' name.'"

"You got nothing to prove, Buck," Steph says.

"I know," Bucky responds lightly.

"I wish I could go with you," Steph says.

Bucky doesn't respond, but Steph knows what he's thinking. He's happy she can't go.

"Will you come back home? It's too quiet and I hate it," Steph asks.

Steph grew up to love quiet, now she can't live with it at all.

"Of course I will. I hate it here anyway," Bucky smiles.

Rebecca glares at them as they come downstairs. She's mostly glaring at Steph.

"Knock that off, Steph didn't do anything wrong," Bucky snaps.

"You said that she got mad snooping around in your stuff," Rebecca counters, not backing down.

"Yeah 'cause I was an idiot and didn't tell her in the first place. S'not my fault you can't hide anything in a tiny apartment. So knock it off."

Rebecca sighs deeply before walking away.

"She's never going to let this go, is she?" Steph asks.

Bucky shrugs.

"She's a Barnes," he says as if that's all he explanation Steph needs.

Steph doesn't really know what that means because Rebecca and Bucky are two entirely different people. The shared name of Barnes means nothing.

"Let's get home before it gets cold," Bucky says holding out his hand.

Steph takes it quickly and they walk home, shoulder to shoulder, enjoying their last few weeks of freedom.

* * *

Steph tries to enlist. She cuts her hair short and steals some of Bucky's old clothes. Steph thinks she makes a pretty decent, albeit scrawny, man. She tries five times. They kick her out each time once they find out that she's a woman.

Bucky sighs every time she tells him. He tells her to knock it out because she isn't going to make it in. Women can't be soldiers he said. Steph slaps him upside the head for that one and argues a woman could do just as much as a man.

The fifth time, Steph sees a movie afterwards. She hopes that she could bury her emotions by investing herself within the world of a film. A war ad plays before the movie of course. People are crying and watching with steely eyes.

A man sitting in front of Steph starts to complain. She starts off by politely telling him to knock it off but when he doesn't stuff she starts to get mad. The man stands and looms over her.

"You gotta a problem, punk?" he snaps.

"Yeah, you need to show a little respect those men are laying down their lives to protect this country and you're here throwing popcorn at their faces. What are you doing to help the war effort?"

The man sneers and drags Steph out of the theatre by the collar. She knows she's going to get punched. People have no problem punching a guy, which she's still dressed up as. He tosses her out into the alley and quickly knocks her to feet several times. She scrambles to try to get in a punch, but he's much stronger and quicker than she is.

"You gonna give up?" he asks.

Steph puts up her fists.

"I can do this all day," she smirks back, mouth bloody.

He punches her harder than before and she lands amongst the trash cans. She can taste blood in her mouth. Steph grabs the lid of the can, hoping to use it to deter him while she gets a hit in. The man just rips it away from her and laughs in cruel amusement. She's on the ground again, pulling her arm up to protect herself.

The man's punch never comes as she sees Bucky's hand land on his shoulder and Bucky easily gets rid of the man.

"Sometimes I think you like getting punched," Bucky sighs.

"I had him on the ropes," Steph says.

"I know you did," Bucky replies offering her his hand. "Where are you from this time?"

She frowns and takes the offered hand. Bucky snatches her enlistment form from her pocket.

"New Jersey," he scowls. "People are afraid to hit a lady, Steph. They ain't afraid to punch a mouthy boy."

Steph dusts off her pants.

"I ain't a lady, Buck," she mutters before looking at Bucky. "You get your orders?"

He rattles them off to her in such a way that one would think that Bucky had enlisted, especially the way he wears his uniform and the cocky tilt of his hat.

"Let's get you home and properly dressed, we're going out," Bucky says, wrapping an arm around Steph's shoulder as they walk out of the alley.

"Where're we going?"

"The future."

* * *

Stark Expo is pretty amazing. Steph is in complete awe of everything that Stark Industries has managed to accomplish. Of course, she'd enjoy it more if Bucky didn't have girls on both arms. Connie and Bonnie are not impressed that Bucky's friend happens to be another girl. But Bucky is as charming as ever. With a cocky grin and the angle of his hat, the girls immediately forgive him and they are off to explore the expo.

Steph once again finds herself trailing behind the three off them. They take off when Connie spots the hover car demonstration. Steph has to fight against the crowd to keep up and ends up running into Bucky's back when she catches up.

"Careful, Steph," Bucky says lightly.

Steph nods tightly and gives him a thin grin before backing up and peering between Connie and Bonnie's heads to watch Howard Stark appear on stage.

He easily kisses one of the dancing girls and Steph wonders if he even knows her name. Steph wonders if Howard Stark goes through girls like Bucky does.

Bucky looks back to her eagerly at one point, but quickly look away when she turns to him. She spends a moment memorizing the wonder and joy in his eyes, if he comes back she may never see it again.

When the demonstration ends, Steph slips away to the recruitment booth. She's still wearing pants and a shirt, so she could try again if she wanted to. Bucky wouldn't be happy though. And tonight's supposed to be his night. Steph wants to spend Bucky's free last hours with him.

"Hey," Bucky says, his hand falling on her shoulder. "Are you thinking about trying again?"

Steph shrugs.

"Come on Steph, the same thing is going to happen again. Or y'know they might actually take you."

"Bucky, those men are laying down their lives and I have every right to help out too."

Bucky sighs, annoyed. He looks away briefly before refocusing on Steph.

"Right because you have nothing to prove."

Those words hit Steph like a blow. Bucky thought she had something to prove?

"I just wanna help," Steph protests.

"Fine," Bucky. "So you're really going to do this."

"Yeah."

"I'm going to take the girls dancing, I'll see you back home I guess," Bucky's turning and beginning to walk away.

"If I don't – don't win the war until I get there, okay?"

Bucky stops and turns around, a fond smile on his face.

"Just try not to do anything stupid while I'm gone."

"How can I when you are taking all the stupid with you?"

"You're a punk," he says and opens his arms.

Steph easily completes the hug.

"Jerk," she replies.

Then Bucky's gone. Steph turns and squares her shoulders. She can do this.

* * *

She's behind the curtain. Any moment now they are going to ask her to take off her clothes and she'll be revealed to be a woman. A nurse speaking in a hurried tone pulls out the doctor and Steph starts to get nervous. There's a sign that says it's illegal to lie on your enlistment form mocking Steph. She thinks about running.

Her train of thought comes screeching to a halt, when a soldier pulls open the current. Steph swallows. An important looking doctor walks in. In his hands he's holding a file. Steph's file.

"Leave us," he tells the soldier.

He has a German accent. The soldier discreetly nods and disappears behind the curtain.

"So you want to kill Nazis?" the doctor says raising an eyebrow.

"Excuse me?"

"Where are you from Mr. Rogers? Or should I call you Ms. Rogers? Five Exams in Five different cities."

"That might not be the right file," Steph protests.

The doctor smiles at her.

"It's not the exams I'm interested in, Ms. Rogers. But the five tries. But you didn't answer my questions. Do you want to kill Nazis?"

Steph blinks.

"Is this a test?"

The doctor nods.

"I don't like bullies, I don't care where they're from," she replies honestly.

The doctor smiles.

"There are so many big men fighting this war. Maybe what we need now is a little guy," the doctor winks at Steph. "Dr. Abraham Erskine, follow me Ms. Rogers."

"Stephanie," Steph says quickly before they slip out.

Steph follows Dr. Erskine out of the exam room and to the front desk.

"I can offer you a chance. Only a chance."

"I'll take it."

"So where is the little guy from?" Dr. Erskine asks, laying her file out on the desk.

"Brooklyn," Steph answers smiling.

"Congratulations, soldier," Dr. Erskine says handing her the folder and leaving.

Steph opens it and sees the 1A. Her heart starts to beat fast and she thinks she might pass out.

* * *

She doesn't see Bucky when she gets home. He gets home long after she's already wrapped up in bed and almost asleep. The next morning, it hardly seems appropriate to mention she successfully enlisted as they saying their goodbyes.

* * *

At Camp Lehigh, the other recruits aren't really pleased to see her. The superiors aren't either. Steph tries her best though. Despite the challenges and sabotages, she works hard is determined to not give up. The men don't like the idea of a woman coming into something that they deem only for them.

Steph's not alone. There is Agent Peggy Carter, who smiles at her but doesn't say much. She's silently cheering for Steph's success.

Erskine and Colonel Phillips are always watching her particular group of recruits. Steph knows that one of them is going to get chosen for something. She can feel it from the way Colonel Phillips points one of them out (Hodge) in the middle of a training regiment with Agent Carter and how Erskine shakes his head.

"Grenade!" Colonel Phillips shouts and everyone bolts.

Steph needs to prevent the blowout somehow so she leaps on it, wrapping around it with her skinny body. When she realizes the grenade isn't going off, she looks up and sees Agent Carter smiling at her, the rest of the recruits scowling, and Erskine positively beaming.

The rest of the recruits are shipped out the next day and Steph is informed that she's been chosen for a super secret government operation to create the perfect soldier. That night, Erskine joins her in the empty bunkhouse. She's desperate to know why he chose her.

He tells her a story of his work in Germany and the history of the procedure. He ends it off with telling that as good becomes great and that a weak man knows the value of power. Steph thinks that's a compliment.

* * *

The next day, she rides in fancy car to Brooklyn with Agent Carter. She points out all the places she got beat up on the way over. Peggy listens with a half smile. Steph's unsure of how to talk to her. The confidence and strength Peggy exudes makes her nervous, but Steph's also in awe of it. Peggy worked her way here, despite the thinking that women are inferior.

Everything, after she steps into the seemingly small Brooklyn shop, happens so fast. People are watching her like a hawk, their eyes filled with doubt. Erskine talks fast, explaining what's going to happen in a language Steph doesn't understand and finally she's helped into a strange pod and strapped down. A nurse injects her with a single need and Steph grimaces.

"That wasn't too bad," she remarks weakly as her stomach flip flops.

"That was penicillin," Erskine comments.

Steph frowns and braces herself for the real procedure.

There's excruciating pain and all she hears is Howard shouting. She hears another screaming and belatedly realizes that it's her trying to manage the pain. Peggy and Erskine shouting to call it off. In a moment of clarity, Steph manages to declare that she can do it and for the moment, she believes that she can.

She feels everything shifting within her. Her skin crawls, her bones crack and pop. She has nothing to do but clench her fists, and clench her teeth. It's far too hot. Sweat pours off of her, and it's so uncomfortable but she can do this.

Then it's over. She opens her eyes and everyone's staring at her awe. Steph looks down and sees a body she doesn't recognize. She's bigger and can feel strength pulsing through her body. The delirium caused by the pain fades quickly as people surround her. The doubt from everyone's eyes has cleared and only awe remains. Steph's uncomfortable with the sheer amount of people around her and freely touching her, now foreign, body.

There is little time for celebration. Steph's head has barely cleared when there's an explosion and Erskine is dying in her arms. And Steph just runs. Chasing after the man who killed Erskine for the serum now pumping through her veins.

It's odd not getting winded and Steph doesn't know her limits – doesn't know if she even has limits as she takes a corner to fast, smashes into a window and starts running all within a second.

It's exhilarating to run. Steph could almost laugh if she wasn't trying to catch a murderer. Her head has cleared and is no longer swimming with pain and the anxiety of being surrounded by strangers. Everything feels natural to her as she leaps on to the yellow taxicab and wraps her arms around its metal frame. She doesn't give any thought as she dodges the bullets being shot through the roof.

There isn't a single thought in her mind as she dives after the submarine and pulls the man out on to land.

"Who are you?!" she demands, hands curled around the lapels of his suit.

He laughs.

"Cut off one head and another two shall grow," he says breaking off a tooth and swallowing it. "Hail Hydra."

Cyanide. Steph shoves his body away in revulsion and disappointment. She stands and looks at her now large hands. What has she become?

* * *

Phillips doesn't want her. He never wanted her. Senator Brandt offers her an out and Steph leaps at the chance to take it.

* * *

"Her shoulders are too broad," the seamstress complains. "She doesn't look good in the costume."

Steph looks at herself in the mirror. She hates to agree, but the seamstress is right. Even though strong and healthy, Steph's body isn't normal for a woman. There's little fashion for a woman of her shape and size.

Senator Brandt frowns, looking her over.

"People want America's new hero, we can't not put her in the show," he says. "If she can't dress in the same outfit as the other girls, find something else."

"With a little padding, she'd make a convincing man," a man in the senator's entourage says.

Senator Brandt snaps his fingers like it's the best thing he's heard all day. Steph dies a little on the inside.

"I like it. People want America's new hero to be a man as well. Get her in a matching outfit and make her Captain America!"

* * *

People, unsurprisingly, love Captain America. Pretty soon people are asking questions about the 'man' behind the mask. Thus, Steve Rogers is born. Steph is playing a role on and off stage. They dress her up in men's clothing even when she's not playing Captain America.

Soon the films are made and the comic books follow. People love Captain America. People love Steve Rogers. People don't know about Steph.

She's become quite the actress, that she's able to smile even when she's about to cry. She's fluent in show speak and how to talk to fans.

People love Steve Rogers or maybe they love Steph Rogers or possibly they just love Captain America. Steph's not quite sure which one she is. With a constant script in her face and extreme acting skills, Steph's able to convince herself some days that she's actually Steve Rogers. She's become so good in faking, Steph's not sure if she's even faking.

After a whirlwind tour back home, Steph's sent to the frontlines. Senator Brandt hopes that she can put faith back into the men fighting. He hopes Captain America can spark some life into the men who're stuck in hell and may not make it back home.

The soldiers do not like Captain America. They throw tomatoes at Steph. She uses the fake shield as defense as she slips off the stage. The girls give him a sad smile as they jump back on to give the soldiers what they want.

As they're packing up, Steph hides away in the infrastructure of the stage. Peggy finds her sketching a self-portrait of herself or Steve or Captain America or whoever the hell she is as a monkey on a unicycle.

"Hello, Stephanie," she says.

"Agent Carter, I didn't know you were here."

"Officially I'm not," she says, smiling. "That was quite of performance."

"The audience I'm used to are a little more… 12," Steph admits sheepishly.

Peggy laughs airily.

"Hey, bond sales take a 10 percent bump in every state I visit," Steph says defensively. "At least Senator Brandt has me doing this. Phillips would have me locked away in a lab."

"And those are your only two options?" Peggy asks, raising an eyebrow. "You were meant for more than this."

Steph feels small under Peggy's stare. Smaller then when she was actually small, even.

"All I wanted was to serve my country on the frontlines. I get everything I wanted and I'm wearing tights."

Peggy doesn't get to say anything in response. There's a commotion and they both turn to see some troops rushing another to the medical tent.

"These men look like they've been through hell," Steph comments.

"These men more than most," Peggy says. "Schmidt sent out a force to Rosano. Two hundred men went up against him and less than fifty returned. Your audience contained what was left of the 107th. The rest were killed or captured."

Steph feels cold.

"The 107th?" she repeats slowly.

Peggy nods. Steph stands abruptly, her notebook clattering to the ground. She marches over to where she'll find Phillips. He's sitting at a desk signing condolence papers and Steph starts to lose feelings in her fingers and there's a ringing in her ears.

"Why if it isn't the star spangled man with a plan," Phillips says with an interesting twist to his words. "And what is your plan for today?"

Steph scowls, knowing that he's mocking her.

"I need the casualty list for Rosano," Steph demands.

"You don't get to give me orders," Phillips scoffs.

"I just need one name," Steph begs. "Sergeant James Barnes from the 107th."

Colonel Phillips stands and looks at Peggy.

"We are going to have a conversation later that you aren't going to enjoy," he says.

"Please tell me if he's alive, sir. B-A-R-" Steph says, bringing the conversation back to its original purpose.

"I can spell," Phillips says dryly, snatching a stack of condolence letters and rifling through them. "I've signed more of these today than I would care to count but the name does sound familiar. I'm sorry."

Steph feels the world collapse around her. Bucky can't be dead. He can't be. He promised he's come back to her. He promised.

"What about the others? Are you planning a rescue mission?" Steph asks, voice sounding too weak for her liking.

"Yeah, it's called winning the war," Phillips replies.

"But if you know where they are, why not at least-" Steph says, floundering for words.

"They're thirty miles behind the lines. Through the most heavily fortified territory in Europe. We'd lose more men than we'd save. But I don't expect you to understand that, because you're a chorus girl," Phillips says cutting her off harshly.

Steph frowns.

"I think I understand just fine," she grits out.

"Well then understand it somewhere else. If I read the posters correctly, you got some place to be in 30 minutes," Phillips dismisses her with a wave of his hand.

Steph stares at the map detailing the location of the captured men.

"Yes, sir. I do."

Steph marches away and Peggy tails after her. Steph throws on her leather jacket and grabs one of the girls' helmets as well as her shield.

"What do you plan to do? Walk?" Peggy demands, realizing what Steph's going to do.

"If that's what it takes," she answers, appraising a vehicle.

She wonders if she could hotwire it.

"You heard the Colonel, you're friend is most likely dead."

Steph falters for a moment before turning to look at Peggy with dark eyes.

"You don't know that."

"Even so, he's devising a strategy to take –"

"It'll be too late!" Steph snaps. "You told me you thought I was meant for more than this. Did you mean that?"

"Every word."

"Then you gotta let me go," Steph begs.

Peggy looks her over and then nods.

"I can do more than that."

* * *

With the help of Howard and Peggy, Steph finds himself infiltrating the Hydra base. Her instincts kick in as she easily eliminates enemy soldier after enemy soldier.

When she finds the captured men, she tosses them the keys.

"Who are you suppose to be?" one asks, doubt creeping into his voice.

"I'm Captain America," Steph answers easily. "Is there a Sergeant James Barnes here?"

Another man answers her.

"They take a few of us away at time. No one ever comes back," he says.

Steph nods sharply.

"Get out fast and give 'em hell," she orders. "I'll meet you guys in the clearing with anybody else I find."

"Do know what you're doing?" the man who asked her who she was earlier questions.

Steph nods firmly.

"Yeah. I've knocked out Adolf Hitler over two hundred times."

* * *

She continues through the facility, desperately praying that she'll find Bucky alive. She takes out enemy after enemy. They will not stop her from getting to Bucky. She comes to a completely abandoned hallway and sees a short, stout man at the end, clutching his hat.

He doesn't look like a soldier. Steph's immediately interested in the room he's coming out of. The man has a briefcase held tightly to his chest, sending off red flags in her mind. They have a brief standoff before the man runs off and Steph comes to a bridge. She runs up to the entranceway, to possibly give chase, but pauses when she sees a man strapped to a table.

In an act of God, it's Bucky. He's alive and breathing and speaking (repeating his rank and serial number over and over). Steph hurries over to him and rips off the straps holding him to the table. Complex emotions wash over her as she watches Bucky attempt to focus on her.

"Hey, Buck, it's me Steph."

Bucky's eyes take another moment before finally focusing on Steph and a delirious smile breaks out on his face. Steph lets out a breath she didn't know she was holding and the cold that crept in when she had first heard of Bucky's supposed death is waning.

"Steph!" he exclaims.

"Come on," Steph instructs.

"Steph," he says again, quieter as he begins to fully come to.

"I thought you were dead," Steph blurts.

"I thought you were smaller," Bucky counters and for a moment things feel right.

Steph helps Bucky up and he easily slides an arm around her shoulders. She holds that arm in place and wraps her other arms around Bucky's waist. Just before they leave the room, Steph glances around and sees a map marking the location of all the facilities like this one. She quickly attempts to memorize them.

"What happened to you?" Bucky asks breathlessly.

"I joined the army!" Steph says, peeking out of the door.

The hallways are ominously empty. No one's coming this way anymore. Steph leads Bucky down the way she saw the short man go before.

"Did it hurt?" Bucky asks, a hint of worry in his voice.

"A little," Steph says but knows that Bucky will recognize her lie.

"Is it permanent?"

"So far."

Bucky's pretty chatty for a guy she just pulled off an experimentation table. Bucky continues to prod questions at Steph, until they arrive at a walkway and see someone else. The short man from earlier and a taller man are standing on the other side. Steph let's go of Bucky and stares at the men. Steph knows the taller man must be Johann Schmidt whom Erskine had spoken about briefly. They walk towards each other, Steph in a predatory way and Schmidt in a calmer matter.

"Captain America!" Schmidt says in an alarmingly familiar tone. It's as if he's inviting Steph in for a drink or dinner. "How exciting! I'm a great fan of your films. So Dr. Erskine managed it after all. Not exactly an improvement, but still impressive."

Steph pulls back her fist and punches the man as hard as she can. Schmidt is hardly affected.

"You have no idea," she mutters.

"Haven't I!" Schmidt laughs and draws back his own fist.

It happens so fast that Steph barely has time to pull up her shield. Schmidt leaves a fist shaped dent in it. The smaller man presses a button and Schmidt is pulled back to him and Steph back to Bucky.

"No matter what lies Erskine told you, you see, I was his greatest success!" Schmidt announces.

Steph watches in revulsion as Schmidt pulls of his face to reveal a red skull. The space below them has begun to violent erupt in fire. The false skin is dropped and burns up instantly.

"You don't have one of those, do you?" Bucky asks, in equal alarm.

"You are deluded, Captain! You pretend to be a simple soldier, but in reality you are just afraid to admit that we have left humanity behind. Unlike you, I embrace it proudly without fear!"

"Then how come you're running?" Steph calls as Schmidt and the shorter scientist step into an elevator.

She gets no response as the elevator doors hiss shut, leaving her and Bucky alone in the burning room. She scans the room for the exit. It's on the other side, but there is no longer a bridge. There is beam of metal that looks like it could hold for at least one of them to make it to the other side.

"Come one," Steph says, directing Bucky to the beam. "You go first."

Bucky's sweating and looks ill. Steph has never seen Bucky look any less than a shining example of health. It terrifies her. She helps him on to the beam and guards him from falling for as far as she can reach. Steph holds her breath as he teeters all the way. The beam falls just as Bucky makes it to the other side leaving Steph trapped on the other side.

"Go!" she shouts to Bucky.

His brow furrows and he's clinging to the railing for dear life. Steph can allow herself to remain behind and maybe find another exit, as long as Bucky gets out.

"No! Not without you!" Bucky shouts back, his entire body shaking in outrage.

Of course, Bucky's always been 'it's both of us or none of us' kind of person. Steph looks at him carefully, before bending the railing. She's going to have to jump. She backs up to try and gain some momentum before throwing herself across. Bucky's watching her carefully; Steph's got to make it for him.

She takes the leap.

* * *

The march back to camp is filled with exhaustion and elation. First of all these men are free, but most of all they are former prisoners of war. They haven't eaten properly or sleept well in weeks. Some are in desperate need of medical attention. The men listen to Steph well enough as they march back to camp. Most people think she's a man and call her Cap as if she's an actual captain. But what counts is that they trust her, or they trust the Captain at least, to get them back.

Bucky doesn't talk much. Neither does Steph. She's too focused on getting these men back. It's almost like her adrenaline is always high. Bucky does do his best to make sure her orders are carried out.

Marching back into camp, with Bucky at her side, Steph feels like she's finally doing what she was born to do. The remaining men meet up with them and there's disbelief on their faces. Phillips and Peggy seek out Steph immediately. Phillips approves and Peggy gives her a knowing smile.

Bucky shouts out and suddenly everyone's cheering. Steph has never been treated like this before. It's a nice feeling.

Once the men are properly taken care of, Steph is given her own tent and told to wait for debriefing. They'll be heading to the more secure HQ soon enough.

* * *

The medics clear Bucky. There's nothing wrong with him. Physically. Steph can see a darkness that wasn't there before. It might just be the war, but Steph thinks that Bucky had braced himself for death back there, strapped to the table in the Hydra compound. Thought God had abandoned him. Steph wishes she could erase his demons.

The moment Bucky's clear, he marches right into Steph's tent. He's got a stormy look on his face and Steph knows there's going to be hell. Now that they're in somewhat safer area and the heat of the moment is gone, Bucky's realized the actual situation.

"What's all this?" Bucky demands, waving his hands around furiously.

"I got a chance, Buck, and I took it," Steph replies.

"You could have died! Do you even know what they did to you? Did they inject you with something? What if you had an allergic reaction? Do you even think, Stephanie?" Bucky shouts.

"I needed to be here, Buck. I'm no good back home. If I hadn't done this, then you and all the rest of those men would be dead."

Bucky bites his lip and Steph knows she got him.

"Still you were being an idiot. I told you not to do anything stupid while I was gone. How long did you take? A week?"

"Before you left actually."

Bucky explodes.

"What do you mean, 'before I left?'" Bucky yells.

"The recruitment office at the Stark Expo," Steph explains.

Bucky looks almost comical, the way his eyes seem to bug out.

"I can't leave you alone at all can I?" he whispers.

Steph shrugs helplessly.

"And you gotta dress like a man? No one knows you're a girl, do they?"

"A few people do," Steph says.

"What am I going to do with you, Steph?" Bucky sighs, pinching the bridge of his nose.

* * *

Steph gets to put together a special ops team for Hydra related matters. She immediately seeks out the men she had given the reins to back in the facility. They seem pretty eager to join Captain America. When Steph had found them in the bar, they didn't recognize her at first dressed up finely but not in away to disguise her as a man. They quickly recognized Steph by her voice.

None of them have a vocal problem with her being a woman, so Steph assumes they'll be good about following her orders in the field. Dugan says that if she can fight like that, he'd follow her anywhere. Man or woman.

Steph finds Bucky in the emptier room, nursing a whisky. He's a mess. His face is unshaven and his eyes red. She hasn't seen him much since they left camp, being busy with the preparation for her special ops team.

He smiles lightly at her when she slides into the stool next to him.

"You ready to follow Captain America into the jaws of death?" Steph asks.

"Hell no!" Bucky says, drinking the rest of the drink. "That girl from Brooklyn who was too dumb to run from a fight, I'm following her."

Steph beams at Bucky.

"You're keeping that outfit though?" Bucky asks.

Steph's earlier grin, turns into a soft and fond smile.

"It's kind of grown on me."

* * *

Steph loves her shield. The moment she runs her hands along it, she's in love. It quickly becomes an extension of her body as she flings it at her enemies. The shield seems to have a mind of its own, a personality Bucky declares after he attempts to throw it and the shield only ends up awkwardly lodged in the dirt. It only ever returns to her. Whenever someone else throws it, the shield lodges itself into some foreign object.

The outfit is a little more difficult to explain. The world still wants Captain America to be man. (The face of America can't be a woman some tries to tell her. Bucky breaks their nose before Steph gets a chance to.) So Howard is forced to modify Steph's designs to hide her femininity. She's legally contracted to keep her own identity a secret. Peggy assures her that even if she were a man, the government would want her real identity a secret.

Thus Steve Rogers lives on, but this time he's getting credit for Steph's actual actions. Steph's contributions to the war effort and as she impacts the world, Steve gets all the credit. She actively does her best to avoid any media or she'll be forced to be Steve Rogers.

(It's far too easy to be Steve Rogers.)

* * *

The days as the Howling Commandos whip by. They are constantly infiltrating Hydra and crushing Schmidt at every opportunity.

Her team is fiercely loyal to her and her alone. They don't let anyone getting away with mocking Stephanie or Steve Rogers. Stephanie's oddly thankful. She wishes she knew that, if they weren't all legal bound to the United States Government, would they correct people when they talked about Captain America as a man and say she was actually a woman?

She's glad Bucky is on the team because he's the only one she knows for sure that is watching out for just Steph Rogers. It's a good thing he's a fantastic shot too, so he can get Steph out of situations before she actually gets into them.

Soon enough they're on the winning stretch against Hydra and the tides of the war overall seem to be turning. Steph finds herself waiting on a cliff for a train holding Arnim Zola, the man who experimented on Bucky, to appear so she could capture him for the Allies.

There's a zip line and one shot. Steph thinks about asking Bucky not to come, but knows that's a useless cause. Bucky isn't staying anywhere while Steph risks her life.

"Hey, Steph," Bucky asks as they both look over the cliff. "Remember that time I made you ride the Cyclone on Coney Island?"

"Yeah and I threw up?"

"This isn't payback, is it?"

Steph grins.

"Now why would I do that?"

Bucky looks at her in disbelief. Soon enough, the train arrives and they are zipping down the line.

She and Bucky get separated quickly, but Steph knows that Bucky can hold his own in a fight. It's only when their united that things get sticky. Bucky doesn't focus on himself when Steph's down, he focuses on Steph.

He picks up the shield and Steph wants to tell him not to. The shield is useless in anyone's hands but hers. It proves to be Bucky's downfall. The blast is too much and he goes flying off the edge of the train.

In a blind rage, Steph kills the final Hydra soldier and runs to Bucky's aid. He's barely hanging on as they reach for each other. The precariously attached railing breaks apart and Bucky's not lucky enough as they make one last grab for each other. Steph watches Bucky fall as she speeds away, hand still stretched out.

Part of Steph falls with him.

* * *

Steph smashes Hydra. Then she crashes her plane.

* * *

**Notes:**

This is part 1 of 2

So instead of studying for finals I did this. Stephanie Rogers has been a bit of a passion of mine for awhile and after several failed attempts to write something productive about her - this happened. A lot of this is born from my Steph Rogers head canons.

There a few instances in this where direct lines are taken from "Captain America: The First Avenger." The second part will contain direct lines from "The Avengers" and "Captain America: The Winter Soldier."

_Title comes form "Come Home, Pt II" by Skylar Grey_

Translations:

(Source: bitesizeirishgaelic on "Irish Endearments")

Ah leanbh = 'my child'  
A ghrá = love  
A mhuirnín = darling  
A stór = my treasure  
A rúnsearc = secret love  
A ghrá geal = my bright love  
A dhlúthchara = my best/closest friend

**Several of these can be used as platonic or romantic terms, as mentioned. The one term 'A dhlúthchara' is a more modern term as mentioned from the website - but I'm note entirely certain on how modern, so I'm bending the language just a little here.

I saw some interesting meta the other day on Bucky being drafted, which is why Bucky has been drafted in this fic and didn't enlist.  
It's noted that in the MCU Bucky has four younger siblings not just a sister (Rebecca) like he does in the comic canon.


	2. Chapter 2

Steph wakes up.

The woman who greets her smiles and announces that Steph is in a recovery room. It all feels very wrong, from the woman's tone of voice, to the fabric of Steph's clothing. And then she hears the radio.

"Where am I really?" she asks, eyes narrowing.

"I'm afraid I don't understand," the woman asks, Steph can sense a slightly nervous tic.

"The game," Steph says. "The game is from May 1941. I know because I was there."

Steph stands and the woman moves backwards.

"Now, I'm going to ask you again. Where am I?"

As Steph moves closer to the woman, two armed guards enter the room. They immediately charge at her. Steph easily takes them and tosses them through the wall. It horrifies her when the wall crumbles revealing that it was a setup as well as confirms her doubts. Steph's been captured but where exactly is she?

"Captain Rogers!" the woman shouts, but Steph's already gone.

The building looks so strange. Everything is too silver and smooth for her to be comfortable. It's highly disconcerting but Steph's got to get out. People everywhere are shouting and making attempts to catch her. She doesn't recognize anything. She keeps running. Maybe if she keeps running, she'll find someone or where she was being held.

She burst outside and everything is suddenly bright. Steph pushes it to the back and continues to run when cars begin to honk angrily at her. The model and make of the cars are completely unknown to her.

Steph comes to a screeching halt when she finds her self in a place she vaguely remembers. It's Times Square, but the flashing lights are doing an excellent job of hiding it.

Steph's in New York. A warped, brightly coloured version of it. Her head hurts as she tries to understand what's going on. The lights and all the foreign surroundings are completely overwhelming her.

Black cars surround her and people decked out in black follow. tenses up and whirls around to look at all the people also exiting the cars to surround her, no doubt each of them are armed. She's not going down without a fight, even if she is completely outnumbered. Steph focuses on a man in sweeping black coat and an eye patch who steps out of the ring that's surrounded her.

"At ease soldier," the man says as if it will have any effect on him. "Look, I'm sorry about that little show back there, but we thought it would be best to break it to you slowly."

"Break what?" Steph asks.

"You've been asleep, Cap. For almost 70 years."

Steph feels her world collapse around her. Even though she crashed her plane, she never wanted this. To wake up in the future where possibly everyone she knew is dead.

"You gonna be okay?"

"Yeah. I just," Steph breaks off but doesn't finish her sentence. She doesn't know how to.

What does she feel? Is she okay? Her life and world are completely gone.

"We're going need to debrief you on a few things, Cap. So if you'll come with me back to HQ, we'll answer your questions."

* * *

SHIELD gives her everything that she needs at the time and an agent asks her if she has any questions after the debriefing.

(_"You've been very quiet, Captain Rogers. Do you have any questions before we escort you to your new quarters?" the agent asks, not unkindly but with an edge to her voice Steph doesn't like. _

"_The war," Steph says immediately, almost automatically. "Who won?"_

_The agent smiles benignly but it doesn't reach her eyes. _

"_We won, Captain. Congratulations," the agent says. _

_It feels empty. Steph allows herself to be lead out and sets herself on autopilot. A million questions are running through her mind. _

'_We won,' Steph thinks. 'What does that even mean?')_

She's gets a small SHIELD regulated apartment in Brooklyn that feels wrong. She avoids spending time there at all costs. Everything about it sets her on edge. All the appliances constantly blinking and requiring her attention bother her. She can't sleep when every object in the apartment produces light.

Instead she looks to find the things that made up old New York.

An agent checks up on her daily even though Steph's pretty sure her entire apartment is already bugged. An intelligence agent isn't going to just let a recently defrosted Captain America run freely through the 21st centurty.

Most of all Steph doesn't want to catch up; she doesn't want to face the inevitable. Steph knows she's been erased from history and can't bring herself to face that. She can't help think that she has been complicit in her own erasure.

Steph finds parks to wander. She finds cafés to sketch in and draw the altered skyline of New York. (Steph can still picture the old one. She can remember spending hours memorizing every edge and carefully sketching it into her sketchbook. She can spot all the difference.)

She briefly wonders what happened to her and Bucky's possessions. She wonders what happened to the things she had kept back at base and Bucky's things, which had been given to her after his death.

Bucky's death is still fresh in her mind. Steph had been hurting from his loss when she crashed and it's feels like it was only yesterday that she was listening to Peggy desperately beg her to find another way. The wound is still fresh in her mind amplified by the loss of her friends from the war.

Steph draws a lot. She can afford good quality supplies now. She still uses every sketchbook to the fullest potential – old habits die hard. In them are faces of people she knew. Bucky stretched across his bed in their old apartment as he complains about how hot it is, Peggy's eyebrow arching as Peggy knew that whatever she was watching was ridiculous but still amusing, or the Commandos playing a poker game, surrounded by classes of whisky, and cigarettes handing precariously from their lips.

The shield stays tucked away in her closet. Steph use to think, that after the war, she'd hang it up in her home. Bucky would've called it tacky and Steph would've just pushed him playfully. She can't even look at it now. So long it had been attached to her side, but now she gets sick looking at it. The shield represents her past and the future she lost.

She avoids the future but also the past. Steph sits in an uncomfortable limbo, too afraid to move on but unable to move back.

(To Steph, the future only holds her erasure.)

Steph finds an old fashioned boxing place on a wandering one early morning. The owner is more than awake inside and kindly allows her to come in when he sees her admiring the place. He's wise enough to see Steph's troubled gaze and suggests that's some physical activity may help clear her head.

She mostly uses it to beat the shit of a punching bag trying to get the voices of the past out of her head. It's at night when she finds herself beating the bags with the force that would surely damage a human.

Nick Fury, the man who heads SHIELD, finds her there. She knew this was coming. People want Captain America. People will always want Captain America.

"Trouble sleeping?" Fury asks.

"I slept for 70 years, I've had my fill," Steph replies.

Fury smiles ruefully.

"You gotta mission, sir?" Steph asks.

Fury hands her the file and Steph has the strangest urge to burn it. It's like the world is laughing in her face. A blast from the past, the picture of the Tesseract mocks her.

But Steph knows what she's got to do.

* * *

Steph meets Phil Coulson on the flight over to SHIELD's mobile HQ. He's quite excited to meet her; she can see it in his eyes even though he's trying to keep it professional. He's a Captain America fan and Steph knew she couldn't avoid Cap's legacy forever, but she thought she's make it longer than a week.

She pulls the shield from the closet; it's resting beside her now. She runs her fingers along the edges. The metal quietly sings with her touch. She loves this shield and even though it use to represent the past she lost – something is changing. It's the last thing she has from the past that will protect her. It can't watch her back like Bucky, but it can damn well try. The shield is the bridge.

"Did you know I was a woman?" Steph asks Phil.

The question has been burning in the back of her mind since she realizes Phil is a fan of the Cap comics, cartoons, and legacy.

He's leaning against the wall of the transport. Phil jolts when he realizes that she's talking to him.

"I had my doubts that you weren't a man," Phil nods.

"How?"

"There's this picture in an old Captain America biography I owned as a kid. You weren't in full costume. In most official photographs, you're always in full costume. But this one you weren't wearing the cowl and were missing the final padding of the uniform. I noticed the build wasn't usual for a man, that's all. I didn't want to assume – just in case."

"So you weren't shocked when I was discovered to be a woman?" Steph questions.

Phil coughs awkwardly.

"I was just happy you were found. We've spent years searching for you, Cap. SHIELD specializes in government cover-ups; so finding out the Captain America had been a woman had been a big deal. No one really knew – that's how big it was."

Steph's blood runs cold. No one knew. No one. Stephanie Rogers did not exist, only Steven.

"Not as a big deal as it will be when the rest of the world finds out," Phil adds after a moment.

"I'll be able to tell the world?" Steph says in complete shock.

"You're about to make you're world debut, Cap. I've always spoken personally to the design team on your new outfit. I don't think anyone will doubt you're a woman."

"Thank you," Steph says. "And please, just call me Steph. Not Cap."

"Of course," Phil smiles.

Steph has just found the first person in the 21st century that she actually likes.

* * *

The whole Avengers ordeal is a flurry activity. Steph's unofficially made the leader and for a brief period of time, she's surrounded by companions. It's a nice feeling and she's doesn't feel so isolated anymore. These people, although they all have completely different life experiences, somewhat understand what it means to be different and secluded from the rest of humanity.

The uniform Phil had design input on is perfect. It's designed to perfectly fit her body and not hide it. The red and white lines accentuate the curves of her body. Steph wants the world to know that Steve Rogers doesn't exist. She never gets to thank Phil.

But as quickly as it happened, it ended. Thor goes back to Asgard, bringing Loki with him and Bruce and Tony go their separate ways. Natasha and Clint go back to being spies. SHIELD offers her a position, a high ranking agent, but Steph says she'll think about.

First she's got a few things to do. Steph's ready to move forward. She's ready to leave her limbo and just move on, no matter what the future what the future holds.

* * *

Steph doesn't totally lose touch with the other Avengers, other than Thor. Sometimes Natasha and Clint are the agents "assigned" to check up on her. As time passes, these checkups become less frequent however. The checkups may become less frequent, but Natasha and Clint visit more often as normal people, not SHIELD agents. When Natasha and Clint come to check up on her, it ends up that Steph has dinner guests.

Clint claims to know how to cook but Natasha laughs at him for it.

"We don't get home cooked meals that often," Natasha admits. "Mostly SHIELD regulated stuff."

"Or we eat at a restaurant," Clint shrugs.

"Well you two are my guinea pigs. We didn't have a lot of money so cooking wasn't exactly something I did extravagantly," Steph says as she serves the spaghetti she made. "It's amazing what people do with food now."

"Well whatever you cooked, I'm sure it was fantastic," Clint says brightly.

"I can't help but notice you always say 'we,' Steph. When you're talking about your past." Natasha comments.

Steph stills. She has?

"I'm talking about Bucky," she says after a beat and returns to serving. "He was my best friend, we lived together before the war."

"Bucky Barnes," Clint says, letting the name roll of his lips. "I heard he's quite the shot."

"Yeah, he saved my bacon quite a few times back in the day," Steph nods.

The loss of Bucky still affects her everyday. She's too quiet and Clint and Natasha look at her funny.

"Dig in!" Steph says mustering a false cheeriness that would've made her USO acting coach applaud. "I made this for you, so eat!"

Natasha and Clint don't bring up Bucky Barnes again. Steph makes sure to stop saying 'we' when referring to her past, no matter how deeply entwined it is with Bucky.

* * *

Despite initial tensions, Steph finds herself quite liking Tony Stark. They don't talk much, but Steph is constantly receiving the finest technology delivered to her door, pre-programmed with Tony's number. Steph wonders how many people have Iron Man's personal phone number. Then she wonders how many people would want Captain America's personal phone number.

(The appliances' light become less intruding and Steph learns that they are actually quite helpful. What she could have done with the things she has in the 21st century.)

With access to technology comes accelerated learning. Steph reads up on everything she can on the Internet, which turns out to be anything and everything. She gets Clint, Natasha, Tony, and Bruce constantly texting her things that she _has _to check out. A book, a place, a moment in history, music, a movie, a show, the list goes on and on. Steph thinks that her friends are having too much fun teaching her about the 21st century.

Steph buys lots of books. She loves to read. Books were a luxury she did not have growing up and now they readily accessible. She has stacks of books hanging out around her apartment.

As well with access to technology comes connection to the media and the world.

Tony specifically invites her over to set up her media accounts.

"Now this one is your Facebook fanpage, you don't have to run it. I have people for that," Tony says.

"I'm sure people want to actually talk to Captain America," Steph says. "I'll run it myself."

Tony rolls his eyes.

"Of course you will. So your personal page will just be for good ol' Steph Rogers. No Captain America at all. This one's the one you only want to be friends with people you know. Oh look you have a friend request!"

Steph clicks on the red notification.

"Tony Stark? How did you do that? You're not even at a computer." Steph asks.

Tony waves his phone at her.

"Technology is everywhere."

"Apparently."

"So this next one is twitter."

Tony gets Steph to set up an official Captain America Twitter, Facebook page, and instagram. She has no idea how she'll keep up with these, but likes the idea of staying connected with people.

Being connected to media also means she gets to follow the constant war that is Captain America's true identity. SHIELD promised they had it covered and Steph only needs to speak at a handful of press conferences.

But it still goes on. A government cover-up never goes well when revealed. Steph ignores it and focuses on the people love Captain America, regardless of her gender.

* * *

Steph accepts the job with SHIELD a year after New York. It's immediately requested that she moves to Washington, to be closer to the main HQ. She's sad to leave her Brooklyn apartment and the boxing gym. She doesn't find a place quite like the New York gym in Washington. Instead she starts to run, it's much more therapeutic than beating up a punching bag.

Steph's given a team and often gets to work with Nat and Clint. Especially Nat. Steph feels fluidity when working with Natasha that she's never felt with anyone else before. They understand each other's movements and seem to be able to read each other's minds on missions.

(It saves their lives on multiple occasions.)

The Smithsonian exhibit opens up about six months after Steph moves to Washington. At first she doesn't want to go but is eventually is drawn to it. With the reveal of Steph Rogers and tear down of Steve Rogers, what is the story that will be presented? What light will Steph be discussed in? Will the cover-up be explained or hidden?

When she first arrives, she's outraged to find her belongings behind the glass. It's her stuff and Bucky's stuff. Initially, Steph wants to just smash the glass and take it back. After standing in front of a display of an old sketchbook, fists clenched she comes to a realization. What's she going to do with a bunch of old, outdated stuff? Probably just look at them with shaking hands before hiding them in a box.

She does want her sketchbooks back. She puts a request in and a few days later, Natasha is delivering them to her.

Steph spends a lot of the time watching the clips they have people talking about her. They refer to her as Steve. She can see the agony in Peggy's eyes whenever she says Steve. Peggy uses Captain Rogers most of the time in the clips.

Clint tells Steph that Peggy is alive and living in a old folk's home in Washington. Steph's heartbroken when she's told Peggy has Alzheimer's, but visits her regardless.

Peggy cries when she sees Steph and they'll talk of Peggy's life and of Steph's new one. Sometimes Peggy will relapse in the video and will be as if she's seeing Steph for the first. Most of the time Peggy's okay though, but Steph's never sure if she'll be seeing Peggy for the first time in over seventy years every time she visits.

With the arrival of the Smithsonian visit, Steph realizes that no matter how much she becomes accustomed to the modern world – she'll always be carrying her past with. It's always going to haunt her.

(The more time Steph spends at the Smithsonian, the more she'll lose herself in the past. )

* * *

Life goes on for Steph. She grows her hair out. She buys nice clothing. She plays around with the new makeup and finds that it's still not quite for her. She draws. She buys a houseplant. She goes away on a two-week mission and finds the houseplant dead. She runs.

Steph knows this is what life is, but she feels like there should be something else. She spends far too much time lost in her own head, thinking about what could have been and what's she's missing now. It's a dangerous line she's walking – even though she's no longer in the miserable limbo, Steph's still at risk of falling right back in.

* * *

It's another six months when Steph meets Sam Wilson. It's a friendship she desperately needs. They laugh and joke easily and Steph realizes that this is what she had been missing. Just a plain old friend who's willing to watch your back.

(_"What do you like to do for fun?" Sam asks when she visits him at the VA._

_Steph takes a moment. She spends a lot of time at the Smithsonian, reminiscing. She spends a lot of time catching up by reading. But is she really having fun? Steph's mostly lonely. _

"_I don't know," Steph replies honestly because really she doesn't know. )_

The day she meets Sam is also the day that Steph's life takes a turn for the worse.

* * *

The man holds the shield awkwardly. Steph doesn't like when other people touch her shield. She hates even less when people throw it, it's always getting stuck in things that way. Watching the man use the shield against her is almost laughable. To him it's a weapon. The shield is not a weapon.

The Winter Soldier has already thrown it at her once and now he's using it to fight against her. Steph knows it's only a matter of time before the shield betrays the Winter Soldier. It will miss its intended target and wait to be held by someone who understands how to use it. The Winter Soldier ends up throwing the shield at Steph, but misses. It gets lodged in a van and Steph suppresses a sigh.

Their fight continues. The Winter Soldier is all sharp edges and extremely concentrated on his goal as he flips his knives and attempts to stab or strangle Steph. The Winter Soldier is on a mission to eliminate her and he'll do whatever is takes to achieve his purpose.

She admits that she and the Winter Soldier are on the same level as they exchange blows and blocks. She's never had someone move as fast as her before. The fight is strangely exhilarating.

Steph gets one good hit in and the Winter Soldier's mask falls off.

"Bucky?" Steph chokes out.

Bucky looks at her blankly.

"Who the hell is Bucky?" he asks.

Natasha shoots, Sam soars in, and the Winter Soldier, Bucky, is gone. Hydra goons surround them and Steph can here a rifle pressed the back of her head. There's shouting and Steph knows that if they don't do anything, they'll all be killed. She can's bring herself to move. There's a ringing in her ears. That was Bucky.

Bucky's not dead. Bucky didn't die from the fall. Steph didn't even try to go looking for him, she thought about it but there was more pressing matters. She did crash her plane into the Arctic only a handful of days later. It's hard, trying to comprehend what was done to Bucky and Steph can't help but feel the guilt weigh down.

_("It's not you fault, Steph," Natasha says before anything without even thinking about it._

_Steph feels mildly better. How could she have known?)_

* * *

Firstly, She's on the run. Everyone she once trusted is either dead or wants her dead. Secondly, her thought dead best friend is now a brainwashed Soviet assassin.

Steph's broken down.

"Steph," Sam calls as he walks over her.

Steph doesn't react to his arrival, but feels grateful as he stands next to her. Sam's a comforting and stable presence. He's a normal guy, unlike the others that she calls her friends. Somehow, Sam's still down for this crazy ride. They have a plan in action. To put down SHIELD, to put down Hydra, and predictably, save the world. Sam does not balk, he merely takes it with a grin and an witty comment.

"That was Bucky," Steph says almost childishly. "My best friend."

"He's going to be there," Sam says, standing next to her and his shoulder presses against hers.

"I know," Steph says.

"I don't think he's the type of guy that you save, Steph. I think he's the guy that you stop," Sam says seriously.

Steph hangs her head. She knows what Bucky's become. Natasha gave him the details.

"I won't be able to do it, Sam."

Sam sighs and puts his hand on her shoulder. Steph doesn't know what she's going to do when she inevitably fights Bucky tomorrow.

They don't talk. Sam and Steph just wait.

* * *

"I'm not going to fight you," Steph says and the shield slips from her arms and down into the water below.

Dropping the shield signals her giving up and unwillingness to go on. She can't go on knowing this is what Bucky's become. She's losing far too much blood and every bullet lodged into her body burns. Steph has given up on multiple levels.

The Winter Soldier yells out and tackles her to the ground. Steph has no more strength to fight. She's been shot far too many times and lifting the girder off of Bucky had cost more energy than Steph expected.

"You're my friend," Steph says.

She's got to get to Bucky. He's in there somewhere. Buried on the programming and the mission, Bucky's still there.

"You're my mission!" Bucky screams and charges, tackling Steph to the ground.

The Winter Soldier pins her to the ground and begins to punch Steve with all the force he can muster. It hurts. The pain is excruciating. Steph's been punched, but never like this. Maybe it's just because it's Bucky, who once swore on his life to never hit Steph and she the same. Friends don't bodily assault friends, even when mad.

"Then finish it," Steph manages, spitting up some of her own blood.

There's a brief pauses in the punches. Through the haze of pain and blood loss, Steph knows this is her moment. She can see the doubt in Bucky's eyes. This may be the only chance Steph will ever have to break through the Winter Soldier's programming.

"'Cause I'm with you to the end of the line," she chokes out, remembering how Bucky told her after she stubbornly refused his help after her mother's death.

It's almost like their rallying cry – even though Bucky's only ever used it once. It was such a profound moment in Steph's life. It was the moment, she knew that he was really there for the long haul and wasn't going to dump her at the slightest sight of trouble. As Bucky did back then, Steph can't give up Bucky either.

The Winter Soldier jerks forward once with his arm pulled back but falters. He stares at her and Steph knows that it must _mean something_. Then the crashing helicarrier groans and the situation catches up with them.

Steph's falling and her eyes flutter and all she can see is Bucky staring at her with a blank expression as he hangs on to a girder. She hits the water hard, but the pain is blurring together.

'_So this it. This is how I die,_' Steph thinks.

The world is spinning and before it all goes black, she hears a splash and sees the glint of something metal.

* * *

Steph wakes up in an actual hospital for the first time in her life. The shield is leaning against her bed on the left and Sam's on the right. Soft music fills the room. Steph exhales in relief. She's surrounded by the person and item that she can always count on to always watch her back.

"On your left," she whispers.

Sam grins. She half expects him to berate her for being stupid but he merely smiles at her, happy to see she's awake.

* * *

Once Steph's out of the hospital she knows what she's got do. Everyone is going their separate ways and this time SHIELD isn't going to be there to bring them back together. Fury goes off the grid in Europe and Natasha disappears entirely. Sam sticks with Steph though, as she expected him to. Together they're going to find Bucky.

Sam's doubtful at Steph's theory that Bucky pulled her to shore. There was no sign that anyone had walked away from the spot where she had been found. Steph's adamant though. It had to be Bucky. How else would she have ended up on the shore?

Sam goes with her anyway.

* * *

Steph's first stop is New York. They need a base of operations and since Tony so graciously offered her an entire floor of her tower after New York, she heads there.

"Welcome back, Captain Rogers," Jarvis greets as they ride up the elevator.

"Thank you, Jarvis," Steph replies back putting away the 'Avengers' card Tony had foisted on her. "I'm sure you've already let Tony know we've arrived."

"Of course," Jarvis says and Steph can almost hear a scoff in the AI's voice.

"Who's Jarvis?" Sam asks.

"He's an AI and he kind of runs everything around here," Steph explains even though she doesn't fully understand Jarvis herself.

She figures if Jarvis has a problem with her explanation, he will correct her. They arrive at the top floor of the tower and Sam is slightly overwhelmed by the grandeur of it all.

"Cap!" Tony greets walking over from the bar where he had been fiddling with something. "How wonderful of you to drop by. Couldn't call when I was getting blown up or when you were getting blown up? Did you get my flowers?"

Steph rolls her eyes.

"I did and they were very nice. Although they only had Pepper's name on them," Steph replies.

"Pepper!" Tony gasps spinning to turn stare at Pepper who's sitting on the couch tapping at a Stark Pad.

"Hi Steph," Pepper greets distractedly, completely ignoring Tony.

"Kidding," Steph laughs.

And Tony gapes at her.

"Hi, Pepper," Steph answers Pepper.

"Don't do that," he says narrowing his eyes. "And who's this?"

"Sam Wilson," Sam greets holding out his hand.

Tony takes it and they shake firmly.

"I saw what you were doing on the news and let me tell you this about that, I'm going to build you a brand new set of even better wings," Tony says excitedly. "I've already drawn up plans."

"Really?" Sam says gleefully.

Steph sighs.

"Tony that's not why we're here," Steph says.

Tony pouts slightly but turns his back and walks back to the bar.

"The Winter Soldier – you're insane mission is to go find him."

"Pretty much. I was hoping the offer for a floor was still open. I kind of need the space," Steph says.

Tony spins to look at her.

"I can do even better than just giving you a living space."

As if from nowhere, holographic images appear and Tony flicks them to face Steph. A familiar face looks at her.

"Is that?"

"Your Winter Solider. When you told me you were coming, I took the liberty of having facial recognition software across the country search for a match. You're in luck because I found a few. He's still in the States."

"Really?" Steph asks breathlessly. "I thought for sure he'd be gone."

"Well he was still Washington up until two days ago. Says he's in New York now," Tony trails off.

"Do you think this means?" Sam asks.

"He did call me his mission," Steph says awkwardly, her initial surprise dying.

"But is he trying to kill you or not?" Tony questions, tapping his fingers on his chin.

"If he wanted to kill me he could have done it while I was in the hospital or sleeping in my apartment, which he knows the location of," Steph replies.

Tony has a funny twist of his lips.

"Maybe you should just stay put, Cap. Maybe he'll come to you. I'll just amp up security for the entire tower."

"Let me know the moment he leaves New York," Steph directs.

"Aye-aye."

* * *

Tony gets no hits for a few weeks and Steph's getting antsy. She lives in the tower and becomes accustomed to the finding several of her friends wandering around. (Never Natasha though, no matter how much Steph wants to see her.) She runs into Bruce and they go out for coffee. She spars with Clint and they keep in shape even though they are both unemployed.

Steph, surprisingly, ran into Thor once who was thrilled to see her. They ended up in a discussion of Thor's integration into Midardigan Entertainment. Thor and Steph's steps into modern culture, is quite similar. They bond over, less frequent, missed references and regaling tales of the places they come from.

Sam sticks around, taking a leave of absence from work in DC. He makes friends with Clint, both of them bonding over their mutual distaste for Tony's bird jokes. He also keeps fit with Steph and Clint, while playing guinea pig for Tony's new prototype wings. Steph's sure, once the wings are complete, Sam will want to jump right right into Avengers' business.

Steph keeps up with online profiles. People always want to talk to Captain America. They always want to know what's up and what's she eating and if she punched anyone lately.

(Usually a balanced meal, which Steph stresses is important for everyone. And generally Clint cooks.)

Steph tweets and post a picture once a day to keep the masses happy. It's usually some inane and has nothing to do with what's she actually doing but people eat it up. Actively letting people know what she's up to, is freeing for Steph. The tiny actions give her the ability to prove that Steph Rogers is a real person who does stuff just like everyone else.

She draws a lot more. Mostly Bucky. The whole ordeal has ripped a hole in her chest that she had spent two years painstakingly healing. It hurts more than ever. It's an ache that she can't make go away. Not now that she knows that Bucky is out there. Thinking that Bucky is dead allows Steph to believe that he's in a better place. Knowing he's alive and a victim to whomever turned him into the Winter Solider, is worse than think he's dead.

"We're you and Barnes doing the horizontal tango?" Tony asks off handedly at dinner one time.

Tony decreed with Steph now living in the tower, they must have a more 'wholesome family environment.' Thus group dinners became a thing. Steph argues that she isn't some prude and has seen her fair share of shit – using shit for emphasis – but Tony just laughs her off. Steph thinks Tony just really wants to have big, family dinners. (They all take turns cooking. Clint surprisingly turns out to be a decent cook.)

Clint chokes on his chicken and his fork clatters noisily onto the table. Bruce rubs soothing circles on Clint's back.

"Tony," Pepper says, exasperated.

"I've been dying to know," Tony says, exaggerating the 'dying.' "The old man thought you were. I want to put the nail in that coffin. Know something he didn't."

"Howard thought Bucky and I were…" Steph trails off in disbelief.

"Said you two lived out each others' pockets and were constantly touching. Said it was at least obvious that you two were in love with each from the way you looked at each other."

Steph turns pink. She suddenly doesn't feel very hungry either.

"No we weren't," Steph says very quietly and takes a deep breath. "I'm going to go back to my room. The chicken was very good, Clint. Thank you."

Steph hurries to her floor. She doesn't have long until someone's going to come check on her. She wants some time alone before she gets swallowed up by everyone else making sure she's okay. Steph hates it when they treat her like a glass doll. Just because she lost everything doesn't mean she's going to shatter. There's been years of adjustment.

"They say you're a man," Bucky says as Steph enters her bedroom and turns on the lights.

She freezes. He's just sitting on her bed. His hair is in a ponytail and he's wearing a ball cap. His eyes still lack the recognition and it makes Steph's heart hurt, but Bucky's there. He's alive and safe.

"It was a cover up," Steph says slowly not moving from the doorway. "I was told that the American people wanted their war hero to be man."

"And you went along? I don't understand," Bucky whispers.

His eyes are glassy and dark bags are under his eyes. The remains of Hydra and other contenders are no doubt scrambling to get their greedy hands on the Winter Soldier, thus Bucky must be constantly on the move and barely sleeping.

"I wanted to be there on the frontlines, serving my country. It's the only way I could do it."

Bucky doesn't say anything.

"I – I spent a lot of time at the exhibit on Captain America," Bucky says, spitting out Captain America. "I share the same face as your friend, James Buchanan Barnes."

"Yeah, you do," Steph murmurs.

"Was I him?"

"You'd be the one to know," Steph says. "But I think you were."

"I am not him now," Bucky replies. "But I sometimes get flashes."

"Oh?"

"Short memories, sometimes dreams. You're often there. You're smaller though."

"I was once pretty small," Steph explains. "I got a serum that made me Captain America."

Bucky nods jerkily.

"It says that at the museum."

"Do you have anywhere to go?" Steph asks.

Bucky looks sick. Steph thinks he'll need several showers to remove all the grime and dirt that has accumulated on Bucky's skin.

Bucky shrugs.

"I don'y know what I'm supposed to do now," he admits.

"You could stay here," Steph offers.

"I'm not the man you knew," he says sharply.

"I know, but you could stay here. You're free to leave at anytime. At least stay to get better."

Bucky nods.

"Come on I'll get you something to eat."

* * *

"You mean to tell me you're harbouring a dangerous assassin and feeding him goldfish crackers?" Tony asks incredulously, when Steph refuses to let him onto her floor.

"Yeah and I don't want to scare him off, so the rest of you need to let us be."

"Steph, you're in danger. He was programmed to kill you."

"But he won't, he already tried, you gotta trust me, Tony."

Tony sighs.

"That's the worst part, I do. Just if he tries to kill remember Jarvis hears all."

"Got it. Thanks, Tony."

* * *

"Everyone is uneasy because of my presence," Bucky says, sitting on the couch.

He looks better after several showers and found better clothes for him to wear. Steph imagines if he were Bucky, he would have been complaining about the gross misuse of water.

"Just a little," Steph says. "But that's okay. Don't worry about them. Worry about you."

"I don't need to," Bucky replies mechanically.

Steph sighs.

"It's getting late, we should probably sleep. You can have my room," Steph says.

"Where will you sleep?" Bucky questions but gets up, following Steph's directions.

Steph uses her thumb to point at the couch.

"Gotta pullout bed, it's pretty handy."

Bucky nods and takes his leave to the bedroom. Steph doesn't follow him even though she wants too. She wants to coddle him and wrap him up in her arms until he remembers. She has a feeling that wouldn't be a very good idea though.

* * *

Bucky lives with her for a few weeks. He's mostly quiet and shuffles around Steph's floor. He becomes more adventurous as time passes and explores more and does more things on his own.

After the first week, Steph feels comfortable leaving him alone. She's confident he can take care of himself. She's careful not to call him Bucky and catches herself on almost slips. Bucky's eyes narrow when he catches her. He reminds her that he is not who he once was.

He remembers more every day, but it's usually not a lot. And each day it gives Steph more confidence that Bucky won't leave. He chose to stay with her before he knew anything, he must want to continue to stay with her if he remembers more and becomes more familiar.

Steph's catching up on her Facebook fanpage one morning while Bucky's fixing himself a bowl of cereal in the kitchen. Steph's quite proud that Bucky's become so independent when before he could only do what he was ordered to do. Suddenly a bowl clatters to the floor.

Steph leaps to her feet, instincts kicking in, and whips around to face Bucky. His eyes are blown wide open and he's staring off into space. It's like he's a statue.

"Hey, are you okay?" Steph asks, stepping towards him.

She doesn't want to trigger some instinct so she doesn't touch him.

"What happened to Gracie?" Bucky asks.

"Gracie?" Steph asks.

She wracks her brain trying to remember why the name was familiar. The image of the beautiful girl with perfect everything sketched itself out in Steph's mind.

"I don't know," Steph admits. "You were going steady and then one day you came home and said she was gone. Never talked about her again, until now."

Steph's slightly annoyed that Bucky remembered Gracie before her.

"I liked her," Bucky says quietly.

"Yeah, me too," Steph answers, kneeling down to clean up the spilled cereal.

* * *

The next morning when Steph goes to wake up Bucky, he's gone.

* * *

Steph decides not to go after him immediately. She wants to wait and see if he'll come back. He's got to. She does, however, asks Tony to keep tabs on Bucky. He periodically emails them to her but Steph doesn't read them. The emails become less frequent as Bucky falls farther off the grid. She thinks it would be best to let Bucky do what he's to do. Eventually, Steph just deletes them all and they stop after that.

No matter how much her chest hurts.

Days trickle by.

Steph draws a lot. Mostly faces of her past. She draws Gracie, with her perfect hair and makeup and wonders what happened to her. Steph thinks that she could easily find Gracie and just ask her what happened to her relationship with Bucky. That would be breaking Bucky's trust, when he non-explicitly years ago asked her to just leave it.

Sam, realizing their short hunt for the Winter Soldier is over, heads back to Washington but tells Steph he's only a text away. He's got a life back in Washington and Steph knows that. She'll miss his company regardless.

(They text back and forth everyday and Steph misses him a lot less.)

She pours far too much time reading over the Winter Solider file. There's so much there but at the same time there's not enough. It's abrupt and doesn't give Steph the solid truth she needs so desperately. The file doesn't give deep details, merely the more basic of information. Date, location, and purpose of mission and whether the mission was a success. The Winter Soldier was always successful.

There is too much time spent holed up in her floor, avoiding everyone. Steph's far too caught up in her own thoughts. The other inhabitants try to drag her out, but Steph doesn't really want to see the world anymore. Not since it swept Bucky away, again.

Belatedly she realizes it's unhealthy to spend so much time lost in thought alone, but she can't bring herself to care. Steph can't bring herself to care much about anything since she let Bucky vanish and decided not follow. Now he's completely off the grid and she has nowhere to even start looking.

Weeks begin to slip through Steph's fingers. The shield stays propped up on the wall, staring at her. It hasn't seen much use lately. Steph starts to get more actively involved in training with it. The more she whips the shield around, Steph begins to realize how badly she needs to get out. Her fingers itch to do something and express the freedom she had fought for.

Exercise and activity prove to be welcome distractions. She has trouble sleeping, but a brief spar with whoever is awake at 4 am (usually Clint) proves to be therapeutic. Sometimes instead of beating up Clint, she drinks tea with Bruce and watch the sunset quietly.

She works on her Winter Soldier research project and still spends far too much time holed up reading up him. She has a board. It connects the possible assassinations attributed to the Winter Soldier over the years, Steph wants to know everything Bucky was forced to do. She wants to know what's going to come back when he remembers.

After two months, Steph tells Tony to stop tracking Bucky. If he comes back, he'll come back and if he doesn't, Steph can't force Bucky to do anything he doesn't want to.

(_"And you've come to terms with this?" Tony questions, raising an eyebrow._

"_No, but he's lost to us now. There's no point in tracking someone who was believed to not have existed up until recently."_)

At the five-month mark, there's a big minor crisis (robot army trying to invade New York) and the Avengers are called in. Steph feels alive suiting up with the others; calling them to action and having them follow her orders. She's spent far too much time just sitting around thinking. She's the Woman with a Plan, not the woman who sits around and just thinks.

Steph gets in a tight spot, surrounded by far too many robot drones and won't be able to defend herself completely as they prepare to fire. The others are somewhere else entirely, clearing out civilians and searching for the source. Steph's alone and the drones are creeping closer, their weapons charging.

Pulling up her shield, Steph charges forward in attempt to take out as many enemies as she can before they can fire upon her. She smashes their bodies in with her shield and rips out wiring from their chests with her hands. It's almost a frenzy as she takes out robot after robot.

(_"We're all clear, Cap," Clint says over the comm.)_

Steph looks around and sees that the robots once surrounding her are all destroyed. There are quite a few that she doesn't remember taking out. Upon further inspection, she finds several smartly placed shots through the drones. She brings the bullets in for inspect and Tony announces that they're like nothing he's ever seen. Steph clenches her fists and says, mostly to herself, that Bucky will come to her when he's ready.

Months seem to pass her by and Steph's almost always caught up in the moment. Some crisis that needs the Avengers over here or a someone wants an interview over there (Tony's given Steph a PR manager). Steph has a life in the 21st century now and she isn't bored with it or missing the old days. She has friends; she could possibly even call them her family.

Some days, it's hard. Some days she can't even stand how much she misses Bucky. So hard that she can't even bring herself to leave her room and speak to anyone. Other days it's so faint she can forget it and laugh fully at Clint's successful prank or Bruce's dry comeback for Tony's often failed joke.

* * *

It's been a year since Bucky disappeared when Jarvis alerts her that she has a visitor. Steph gets excited. It has to be Bucky. It has to be. She tries not to show her disappointment when it's Natasha.

"Don't look so happy to see me, Cap," Nat says slipping past Steph and into the main room of Steph's floor.

"I just thought you might be Bucky," Steph replies, squaring her shoulders and putting on a smile. "I'm happy you're back too though."

"Me too," Nat replies smiling at her. "I've seen the Avengers have been busy."

"We're lacking a bit on the ground," Steph says.

Nat grins.

"Well, I'm here now. If you'll have me," Nat says quietly.

"You're always welcome, Nat," Steph grins. "So where'd you go?"

"Around," Nat smirks. "I've spent some time here and there doing this and that. I'm done now, ready to be back in the public eye."

"That's not vague at all," Steph says, rolling her eyes.

Nat shrugs and plops down on Steph's couch. She's about to put her feet on the coffee table when Steph clears her throat. Nat freezes and looks at Steph.

"Really?"

"I just cleaned that thing, keep your feet off."

"Stark has cleaning staff you know."

"I feel bad, I'm not doing anything and living rent free. I might as well clean up after myself."

Natasha rolls her eyes and mutters something fondly in Russian.

"Tony tells me that Bucky was here for a little bit and vanished a little over a year ago," Nat comments. "You okay with that? I'm surprised you're not off looking for him."

"He's not too far away," Steph says, not mentioning the several missions she had someone save her skin when she recklessly put herself in a dangerous situation. "I'm okay. Some days are easier than others, but if he knows where to find me if he needs me."

"How can you be so sure he?"

"I'm not. I just – there's a lot between Bucky and I. I think, actually I know, that what we had was real and if Bucky remembered he'd never let me be on my own. He doesn't think I can take care of myself."

Nat laughs.

"Can't imagine the great Steph Rogers being babied by anyone," Nat comments.

"When I was small," Steph says. "And it wasn't babying. Bucky was just protective because I was at risk of getting really sick."

"When you were small," Nat agrees.

They're silent and Steph joins Natasha on the couch. They lean into each other automatically.

"Do you ever miss it?"

"You're going to have to be more specific," Steph says.

"Well I was going to say being small, but if we're going to go down that road let's do what you were thinking too."

"Sometimes I miss being small. Sometimes I still think I'm small. I bang my head all the time and misjudged if I can fit in space. I wake up sometimes thinking I'm small again," Steph confesses. "But people actually listen to someone they have to look in the eye. I don't miss being small because I was sick all the time and people treated me like I was invisible for it. Bucky once told me, after the serum, that everyone is going to see me the way he saw me. Nobody ever saw me the way Bucky did, even if I did gain more respect.

"I don't miss the old days, wither. Not anymore, at least. At first they were all I wanted. I wanted to live the life I dreamed of during the war. Even though I don't know what I would have done with your Bucky. But now I'm here and I can't change that. My life is here. I got to admit, though, there are few people I've grown pretty fond of here too."

"You're a sap, Rogers," Nat grins.

Steph grins.

"Guilty as charged."

"Were you in love with Bucky?" Nat questions.

Steph knows that Nat knows what is behind that question. A funny feeling settles in her stomach. Steph takes a deep breath to calm herself.

"There was this girl named Gracie Williams. She was perfect in every way for Bucky. She was beautiful, smart as a whip, and genuinely liked me. I didn't meet her for a long time, but Bucky would talk about her for ages. The way his eyes would light up as he told how amazing Gracie was. I could hate her when I didn't know her because I could pretend that the moment she met me, she would sneer and Bucky would break up with her and never speak of her again.

"But I met Gracie and she was so happy to meet me. Said she had heard so much about me. I tried to hate her, but I really couldn't. Gracie was just nice and wonderful. The only time she laughed _at_ me was when I called myself an extension of Bucky's family. I still don't get what was so funny because that's what I was. I liked spending time with Gracie, it was nice having more than just one friend.

"But I often found myself comparing myself to Gracie. Our smiles, our hair, our clothes, and our makeup. I wanted so desperately to look like her. I tried too. Bucky ended up coming home from his date with her earlier than expected and I panicked. I scrubbed my face so hard it looked like I had been crying. Bucky took one look at me and thought I had gotten into a fight. He was livid and didn't believe me at first. When I finally managed to get him calm down, he just stared at the ceiling for the rest of the night.

"When I asked about Gracie he said they were done and he didn't want to talk about it. I never learned what happened between them and we never talked about Gracie again. Bucky went back to dating girls who hated me."

Natasha furrows her brow in confusion.

"So to answer your question, yes I was in love with him," Steph confesses.

Natasha nods.

"I'm sorry," she says.

"It's okay. I've had lots of time to come to terms with it."

"Let's watch a movie," Natasha suggests. "What's your favourite so far?"

"I'm a big fan of anything that doesn't star me," Steph answers. "I wanna know your favourite."

* * *

The tower gets fuller with Natasha there. Suddenly, Clint and Nat are bickering all the time. Steph's walked in on them once or twice locked in a death match over what to watch or who gets the last glass of milk. Thor's visits become more frequent and he brings with him his friends, Jane Foster and Darcy Lewis occasionally. Steph enjoys the feeling of a full house (or rather, tower).

Dinner is suddenly a requirement and they always have something to talk about even though they all are within always within proximity of each other.

It's easy to tell when there's a fight and tension within the group. Steph has had to intervene more than once because her adult teammates are sometimes childish idiots. She often feels like designated babysitter rather than team leader, but wouldn't change it for the world.

Although Steph has entire floor to herself, she finds herself more often than not leaving her belongings in the others' rooms and vice versa. Steph finds herself quite at ease and living in peace.

(Even though they are constantly dealing with otherworldly threats.)

"Jarvis, tell Tony that if I catch him messing around with Nat's stuff again I won't protect him," Steph sighs as she steps out of her elevator and onto her floor. "I swear they are such children sometimes."

Steph is concerned when she doesn't hear the polite response from Jarvis immediately.

"Jarvis?" she calls. "You there, buddy?"

There is still no response and Steph starts to get concerned. She carefully sweeps the open main room and doesn't spot anything outright wrong, but it's unnerving nonetheless. Steph quickly pulls out her phone and shoots Tony a text asking if there's anything wrong with Jarvis.

_ there shouldn't be. he's working perfectly fine on all the other levels_

_ i'll check if there's anything wrong_

Steph creeps across the room, careful not to make any sound. It may be nothing but she doesn't want take a chance. There are many dangerous people in the world who want her dead.

The shield is in her room, but not the only available line of defense. Steph goes to snatch a gun she had stashed behind the cereal in the cupboard but finds it missing. Her phone goes off the same moment a cold dread pools in her stomach.

_ there's definitely something blocking your communication with Jarvis on your level. i'm sending romanoff up_

There's half a beat of Steph's thudding heart.

_ don't do anything stupid until she gets there_

Steph knows she should run, but has never been one to back down from a fight. She moves silently to her bedroom to hopefully collect her shield. She bats the door open and presses herself against the wall waiting to see if anyone shoots or bursts out.

Nothing happens.

She darts into her room. There's no one there. She grabs the shield and exits just as quickly, once again surveying the room.

_ trouble in paradise cap, all elevators have been shut down. give me a second, i'm coming up_

That's when Steph sees him.

_ I can handle it, Tony. It's fine. Just focus on getting everything running. _

He's lying on the coach, blending into the black couch cushions. Steph wouldn't have seen him on her initial sweep of the floor because of the way the couch is turned.

"Bucky," she calls.

He doesn't move. She carefully approaches him. Bucky's arm is covering most of his face and Steph's note sure how aware of his surroundings he is. She doesn't want to accidently alarm Bucky and cause him to attack her. He's grown quite the beard and his hair is longer and unkempt. He's wearing new clothes but there beaten up and stained in a mixture of things.

"Hey, Buck," she tries again, standing beside the couch, arms lamely at her side.

"There was this night," he says.

Steph winces at his voice. It's gravely and out of use. She wonders if he's been drinking water regularly and eating proper food. She can't tell his mass and build from the layers of clothing he's wearing.

"There were a lot of nights, Bucky," Steph replies, sitting down on the coffee table.

Bucky's arm shifts briefly and Steph catches a glimpse of his eyes. There are dark bags underneath and his eyes themselves quite red. They make eye contact and then the arm is firmly back in place.

"It was winter and very cold out."

"We usually pushed the beds together," Steph adds.

She sees a minute nod and Bucky swallows.

"I had smoked a cigarette after work that day, so we couldn't share the bed. Or you'd have an asthma attack."

Steph swallows and she knows where this story is going.

"You felt bad, but you gave me your blankets. I was so tired but extremely cold," Steph says.

"You fell asleep quickly after that but before you did, you called me something in Irish."

"It wasn't unusual."

Steph thought she had imagined it, but apparently it had been real enough that in the mess of Bucky's memories it had stood out.

"Most of things didn't mean what you said they meant."

"That's true."

"I looked them up, recently. But this one word – I can't find it anywhere."

Bucky's lifts his arm up and sits up. He looks at her with intense eyes. This is his mission right now. He needs to figure out what the meaning behind _m'fhíorghrá. _

"_M'fhíorghrá," _the word pours easily off of Steph's tongue and feels like forever since she spoke in her mother's native tongue.

Bucky seems to relax. He nods.

"That one."

"My mother told me it was one of the most passionate terms of endearment she could think of. I don't think she even called my father it," Steph confesses.

"What does it mean?" Bucky hisses, annoyed.

"Two things. 'My true love' is the literal translation," Steph explains. "But I took it for it's more implied meaning. Soul mate."

Bucky grips the edge of the couch. His jaw clenches and Steph can see a war in his eyes. Before either of them can say another word, Iron Man comes smashing through the windows. Bucky snatches a gun from out of nowhere – it's the one Steph kept hidden behind the cereal boxes. He leaps to feat and stands between Steph and Iron Man, pointing the gun at Tony's chest.

Steph tries not to read anything into it. Right in front of her is the best place to get a clear shot and view at Iron Man, relative to where he landed.

When Tony sees that it's Bucky, he lifts his hands up in surrender but doesn't flip the faceplate up – since that's where Bucky is pointing the firearm.

"Tony, I said I could handle it."

"I've long since learned that your definition of 'fine' is skewed," Tony says. "And today's definition is an armed ex-Soviet assassin who mutilated the security for your level. Thanks for that by the way."

Steph can imagine the look that Tony gives Bucky.

"Buck, put down the gun – it's okay," Steph says, stepping forward.

She warily puts a hand on Bucky's shoulder. Bucky tenses and for an awkward few moments, doesn't do anything.

"Please," Steph whispers.

The gun slowly lowers, but Bucky keeps it gripped tightly in his hands.

"Okay, so I'll have to get the windows repaired. For the time being, Cap, you can stay in one of the guest rooms on the tenth floor," Tony says shrugging and exiting the way he came.

She's left alone with Bucky. With the massive hole in the window (the entire wall had been window), the wind easily gets in. The temperature drops several degrees.

"Are you going to leave now?" Steph asks.

Bucky shrugs her hand off his shoulder and takes a few steps forward.

"Just stay for the night. Get some rest and then you can leave again," Steph begs. "One night."

"You didn't follow me when I left. Why?" Bucky rasps.

"I had Tony track you, but I couldn't do it. I couldn't follow you, Buck. I didn't think you were going to leave in the first place. I thought if I just waited you'd come back when you were ready."

"That's not like you," he replies.

"I know," Steph says.

She has itching feeling that she should have followed Bucky. She should have chased him and played the game. Instead she just sat still.

"I'll stay," Bucky says, turning to face her.

Steph lights up.

"For the night," he clarifies. "I still have things to do."

Steph doesn't sleep very much that night. She's waiting to hear Bucky slip out.

* * *

When morning comes and she goes to check the room she had left Bucky in – he's gone. The bed is perfectly made, as if no one had slept in it at all. It's too perfect, Steph notes. It's made the way someone who has had military training would make a bed.

It gives her hope.

* * *

"There's a fundraiser that you need to be present for, Cap," Pepper announces, sweeping into Steph's studio.

Steph jolts from her painting and looks at Pepper incredulously.

"A fundraiser?" she asks, raising an eyebrow.

"Stark Industry puts together one every couple of months. All proceeds go to a charity," Pepper explains. "Tony figures if we get the Avengers to show up then we'll get more people to come out and thus donate more."

"Sounds more like a Pepper idea," Steph says.

Pepper smiles secretively.

"Anyway I don't know why you are coming to see me personally about this. Tony could've just texted me."

Steph makes a point of grabbing her phone from her pocket and waving it in Pepper's face. She knows that mostly everyone thinks she doesn't even know how to use it (with the exception of Natasha).

"This is a Stark Gala, Steph."

"So?"

"You need to wear something appropriate. Designers are clambering for Captain America to wear their designs. I'm here to personally escort you through hell."

Steph spins back to her painting. It's a self-portrait of when she was selling war bonds.

"Y'know part of the reason Captain America was made a man was because I didn't look very good in the outfits the other girls wore," Steph murmurs.

"They were obviously not catering for your figure then. These designers will make you look good, I'll make sure of it," Pepper promises.

"When do we start?"

Pepper laughs.

"If you follow me, I've got a display set up two floors up," Pepper smiles.

* * *

"Why can't I just wear something out of my closet?" Steph complains, shifting from one leg to another.

"Don't move," the designer scolds.

"Because you have no fashion sense," Natasha says firmly, sitting on chair and watching Steph with great amusement.

Pepper is outside taking a call pertaining to official Stark Industries Business.

"Ouch and I thought you were on my side, Nat," Steph pouts.

"I'm on whatever side that doesn't invoke the wrath of Pepper," Natasha grimaces.

"You're telling me an assassin who could kill me with a thread is afraid of Pepper Potts?"

"Don't doubt a woman who can run in heels," Nat says.

"True," Steph says shrugging. "I'll put running in heels on my list."

"Don't move," the designer hisses through the pins in her mouth.

"Sorry," Steph mumbles.

"Have you ever worn heels?" Natasha asks curiously.

"Couldn't afford 'em and then I never had an opportunity too. I wouldn't really call them standard issue, even for Captain America."

"Well, the next free moment we have I'm definitely slapping you in a pair of heels and getting Clint to record it."

"Please don't," Steph sighs.

Natasha just smirks maliciously.

"Okay, I'm finished," the designer announces standing back.

Pepper walks back in at this moment. She rests one hand on her hip and the other on her chin as she examines Steph's dress.

It's pale blue with an illusion neckline and the fabric has several layers, ruffling subtly and pooling around her ankles.

Natasha watches Pepper as she takes in Steph's dress.

"Perfect," Pepper announces after a few tense moments. "Do you like it, Steph?"

Steph looks at herself in the mirror and nods.

"I've never owned a nice dress before," Steph says.

* * *

The fundraiser is boring. Steph's got to make small talk with people she grew up despising. Captain America is a character before a hero, before an actual person, so Steph can easily plaster a smile on her face and pretend that everything is okay.

The Avengers are decked out in their best duds and Steph suspects that she wasn't the only one who had a helping had à la Pepper Potts.

Steph diligently holds a flute of champagne, drinking from it every so often as she listens to people natter at her. For the first time in a long time, she wishes she could get drunk. Maybe if she could get drunk, the conversations would become a little more bearable.

"-and the boys from the country club all started laughing," a man concludes.

Steph smiles thinly at him. He's waiting for a response but she wasn't quite listening to his story to give him anything appropriate.

"I need to borrow Captain Rogers for a moment," Clint cuts in urgently, putting a firm hand on Steph's bicep.

When they're out of earshot, Steph looks at Clint in alarm.

"Is everything alright?" she questions worriedly.

Clint shakes his head.

"You were looking like you might break that guy's arm if he said anything else," Clint replies easily. "Decided that you might need a helping hand. Show you were the real party is at."

Clint leads her to a table in the corner where Natasha and Bruce are seated.

"Seems like a real party," Steph says sarcastically.

"Hey, we are having a great time!" Clint says defensively, slipping into a chair with Natasha.

"We have cards," Natasha winks, pulling out a deck of cards.

"Guess that's better than mingling," Steph drawls.

"I find them quite dry too," Bruce says.

"We can't stay here too long or else Pepper will find us," Clint says. "We've already been booted once back onto the floor once."

Steph sighs.

"I'm going to get a drink even though it will have no effect. Anybody want anything?"

They all shake their heads and turn in as Nat starts to deal out cards. Steph makes her way across the floor to the bar, hopefully she won't be intercepted on her way. Thor's laughter booms across the room and Steph is happy at least on Avenger is having a good time.

Steph is never destined to make it to the bar as someone cuts in and starts talking to her about possibly attending a party they're having in a week. She does her best not to let her shoulder's slump and plasters a smile on her face, promising she'll look into it with her publicist. (Steph doesn't have a publicist.)

There's a tap on her shoulder and Steph turns to see Bucky. His hair is cut neatly, his beard is trimmed, and he's acquired a well-fitting suit. Steph is suddenly hit by the image of Bucky charming all the girls back in the day, dressed in best clothes even though he had to work. Steph's at a loss for words.

"Sorry to interrupt, Senator, but I believe this is our song. I'm going to have to steal the lady for a dance," Bucky says smoothly.

Bucky offers Steph a hand and she talks it willingly. Bucky leads her out into the dance floor and they enveloped within the crowd of other dancing couples.

"I ain't a lady," Steph says finally with no bite.

"So you keep telling me," Bucky says with a glint in his dark eyes.

They dance in silence. Pepper had previously gotten Steph a coach on how to dance (or at least not step on someone's toes) before the gala.

"Why are you here?" Steph asks after the song ends and another picks up.

They're still dancing, one arm rest on top of his and her other hand clasped with his.

"I can't stay away," Bucky admits. "I keep running away because I can't face you but you keep calling me back with everything that I remember."

"And what do you remember?"

"Some, not all. I mostly remember those I killed, their faces right before their lives shuttered out," Bucky squeezes his eyes shut and his grip tightens on Steph. "I remember flashes from before – with us."

"Yeah?" Steph swallows hard. "So does that mean you'll stay?"

"I think so," Bucky replies. "If you want me."

"Of course I do, Buck. Why would you even question it?"

"I'm not a good person, Steph. I've done a lot of bad things."

"That wasn't you."

Bucky doesn't respond.

"Did you remember what happened with Gracie?" Steph asks.

Bucky shakes his head. His grip relaxes ever so slightly and Steph knows that he's lying. She doesn't push the issue.

* * *

Bucky stays. He shares Steph's floor with her. They use to share everything. What was Steph's was also Bucky's and vice versa. Bucky tentatively picks up on the offer that what's Steph's is still also his. They use to live out of each other's pockets.

They do share now too, but it's not the same. Both of them are walking on glass around each other. Steph hates the tension.

* * *

Bucky wakes up screaming. It's 1 am, Steph had been asleep for about two hours.

Steph charges into his room, shield ready. The lights flash on the moment she does and all she sees is Bucky sitting in the middle of the bed, covered in sweat.

"It was just a nightmare," Bucky says. "It's okay."

Steph props the shield against the wall and moves closer, but just a little.

"It's not okay. You're not okay," she says.

"It was just a nightmare," Bucky repeats.

"Tell me," Steph says. "Let me carry your burdens, Buck. I can help."

Bucky draws his knees up to his chest.

"I can't, Steph."

"Can I sit?" Steph asks.

"It's your bed," Bucky replies.

"It's your bed," Steph answers. "Mine's out there."

She sits anyways, careful to keep a distance between them.

"How long are you going to sleep out there?" Bucky asks.

"Until I can get my studio remade into a bedroom. Tony said he'll do it do sometime next week," Steph says, shrugging.

"We could get a second bed in here and share the room like before," Bucky whispers. "So you don't have to lose your studio."

"I can paint wherever, Buck. I don't need a whole room for it. 'Sides I wanna give you your space."

"Fuck space. All you've been giving me is space. I'm not going to break," Bucky growls, uncurling himself a little bit.

Steph smiles a little.

"Okay, I'll get Tony to cancel that order and I'll order an Ikea bed or something."

"What's Ikea?" Bucky questions.

"It's this huge furniture store. I'll take you one day," Steph yawns. "I should probably catch a few more hours. I have an early start tomorrow. Try to get some sleep, Bucky."

"Okay," Bucky replies.

Steph gets up and leaves the room, forgetting her shield. When she gets up at 6 am, Bucky is sitting in the kitchen, reading a book. She doesn't think he went back to sleep.

* * *

Bucky wakes up screaming. It's 3 am. Steph has just got home. There was an extraterrestrial attack in Chicago. She just wants to drop dead on her pull out bed and sleep for the next week. She hears the screaming the moment she gets the elevator and breaks into a run.

Bucky is standing in the middle of the room, a few things are knocked over and he's got a wild look in his eyes.

"Buck?" she asks, stepping into the room.

He looks at her and his shoulders immediately relax.

"Another nightmare?" she asks.

He nods and moves to sit on the edge of the bed.

"Do you wanna talk about it?"

"You have blood on your uniform," he says instead and his voice is thick with sleep.

"Yeah, I got hit. Nothin' to big."

"They aren't watching your back out there," Bucky accuses looking at her with dark, angry eyes.

"They watch my back just fine, Buck."

"Don't call me that," he snaps.

"Okay. What do you want me to call you?"

"I – I don't know."

"Can I sit with you? Until you're ready to go back to sleep?"

Bucky edges over a little bit and Steph takes a seat. Their thighs press together. Steph slowly reaches over and wraps her gloved hand over Bucky's.

"When we were younger, I use to have trouble sleeping. You'd sit with me the whole night and try to sing your mother's lullabies to me."

"Did it work?"

Steph chuckles.

"You have a terrible voice, but it worked."

"Are you going to sing me a lullaby?"

"If you want."

Bucky shakes his head.

"That's good news, I don't know any."

Bucky laughs slightly.

"I remember this night where we went to the roof of a building and stayed out all night watching the stars. You didn't get sick," Bucky replies.

"It was my 19th birthday," Steph fills in. "The power was out throughout the city and the heat was almost unbearable. The night was cool though and the visibility the best we had ever seen. It was a good night."

"Yeah, it was," Bucky replies.

Steph squeezes his hand and they sit there until dawn, the sun rising at their backs. Steph falls asleep sometime, her head on Bucky's shoulder. When she wakes, Bucky's head is on hers and their hands are still pressed against each other.

* * *

Bucky wakes up screaming and Steph is sleeping in the bed across from his. It's a little ridiculous but it makes them both happy.

"Will you sleep with me?" Bucky asks when the lights turn on.

The sheets are twisted around his ankles and the pillows on the floor. Steph picks them up and straightens the sheets and slips in next to Bucky. There is some awkward shuffling and bumping of limbs before they manage to fit together. Steph curls around Bucky holding him place with her arms.

Steph's alarmed at how easily they fit against each other. It's as if they're still in that tiny Brooklyn apartment. She can feel Bucky's heart thudding in his chest.

"Sleep _a bhuanchara_," she whispers into his ear.

"What does that mean?" he murmurs.

"My enduring friend, now sleep," she says.

Bucky does.

* * *

They sleep curled around each other more often than not. It helps Bucky sleep to have another presence grounding him. He still wakes up screaming and the nightmares don't stop. It's easier for Bucky to calm down when he has a grounding presence nearby. Sometimes he needs space, so Steph leaves him to sleep in her own bed, pressed against the other side of the room.

Things are working out.

* * *

Steph is standing in the washroom, running her fingers through her frustratingly long hair. She's not quite sure what to do it. It's becoming increasingly difficult to tie the hair up for when Steph needs to jump into action. Long hair is not a good thing to have waving out freely – no matter how cool it looks – in a fight.

"I should just cut it all off again," Steph grumbles as she begins to braid it. "I'm going through hair care products like nobody's business."

"I'm kind of surprised you grew it out," Bucky says, he's leaning against the door frame.

"Don't you know how to knock?" Steph deadpans.

"Door was open and I could hear you grumbling from the couch," Bucky says.

"I don't think I ever let my hair get this long before. Ma always cut it off," Steph says offhandedly. "She always took care of my hair."

Steph's fingers slip distractedly while braiding and she ends up with a knot.

"Dammit," she mumbles and starts to backtrack.

"Can I braid it?" Bucky asks, almost shyly.

Steph pauses and meets his eyes in the mirror's reflection. His eyes are unreadable but he has a tiny smile on his face.

"Of course," she says.

Bucky steps forward and gently takes Steph's hair into his hands. She watches him through the mirror. Extreme focus is on his face, the one she saw whenever he was lining up a shot or as the Winter Soldier focuses on his mission.

His fingers move quickly and weave the braid tightly. About halfway through, Bucky suddenly stops and, again, meets Steph's eyes in the mirror.

"I could kill you," Bucky whispers. "I'm in complete control. I can think of at least 20 different ways with just my bare hands."

"Bucky, I trust you," Steph replies.

She refuses to let Bucky try and unnerve her to prove some twisted point. He is worth it, Steph refuses to let Bucky to see himself as a villain.

"Why?" Bucky demands. "I'm not Bucky from Brooklyn. I'm not him, so why would you trust me?"

"You've saved my life, as this new person. You came back to me and I've slept next to you. Buck, there's been a thousand and one chances for you to kill me in much easier circumstances. Here in this bathroom, I'd at least have a chance. I trust you, Bucky. Don't doubt that."

Bucky doesn't respond and refuses to meet her eyes as he finishes braiding her hair. He backs off and smiles softly at his handiwork. Steph's got to admit, his improved vastly from their childhoods. Steph turns to face him, but doesn't really have any words.

"I trust you too," Bucky finally answers and exits the washroom.

Steph finds herself smiling stupidly in the bathroom much longer than necessary.

* * *

"Gracie Williams passed away last week," Steph says from the couch.

"Huh?" Bucky asks from the kitchen.

"Come see, her obituary is right here. I guess I should call her Gracie Hansen."

Bucky pads over and leans over the couch, his head hovering above Steph's shoulder.

"Look at that," he murmurs.

"Married with four kids and six grandkids, looks like James Barnes didn't detract from her love life."

"I guess not," Bucky shrugs and pushes back from the couch.

Steph can hear him pouring a bowl of cereal.

"We should send flowers, I really liked her," Steph muses.

"She was pretty great," Bucky hums distractedly.

"I mean, I'd like to go to her funeral but I'd hate to cause a scene," Steph says.

"She liked azaleas, purple ones," Bucky says as he plops down on the couch beside Steph.

"You'll wreck the furniture that way," Steph scolds. "I'll ask Pepper for a good florist."

Bucky nods and grabs the remote to turn on the television.

"Do you remember Gracie yet?" Steph questions.

Bucky shrugs and shoves a heaping spoonful of cereal into his mouth.

"She broke up with me," Bucky says. "Not much to say."

"I thought she really liked you," Steph mumbles, looking at the paper. "She was one of the only girls you were pretty serious about."

"She did – it's just I wasn't that into her and she could tell."

Steph shoves the paper into her lap.

"How could you not be into her? I was into her!" Steph gapes. "She was smart and funny and genuine."

Bucky shrugs again and looks straight at the television.

"She just wasn't what I was looking for," Bucky says. "And I thought I told you that I didn't want to talk about it."

"Oh," Steph's mouth snaps shut. "Sorry."

* * *

It's very domestic, how Steph and Bucky are living. Despite have more roommates, space, suffering from Soviet brainwashing, and being in the 21st century, it's almost as if they never left their Brooklyn apartment.

They spend a lot of time within close proximity of each other, whether they are aware of it or not. If they're in the same room, there's never more than a couple of feet between them. Bucky and Steph are always sitting next to each other and everyone else is very aware of this. They are often in silence or sharing a short, quiet talk. The two of them just gravitate towards each other; it's just the way it's always been.

Steph and Bucky go out. They explore the new New York together and Bucky often remembers something new from these experiences. Steph's eager whenever he remembers something new but is careful not to push him.

Pepper sets up Bucky with a psychiatrist and with someone to talk to, Bucky becomes lighter. Bucky keeps a little journal beside the bed, which he writes in each night as per his psychiatrist's orders. He's very secretive about it and though Steph is very curious to know what he writes about, she will never break Bucky's fragile trust.

"You and Steph sure are close," Steph hears Clint say to Bucky in the main room as they exit the elevator from her studio.

"She's my best friend," Bucky responds after a pause.

"I dunno, I don't know if me and my best friend share a bed," Clint replies.

Steph's brush stroke pauses as she waits for Bucky's response.

"You're obviously not best friends enough," Bucky snips.

"Nat and I are best friends enough," Clint snaps. "We share a bed occasionally."

"So then what's the problem?"

"We don't share a bed every night and cuddle with each other."

Steph tries to focus on her painting. She shouldn't be listening in on this conversation. They're just being so loud.

"I really don't understand what the big deal is," Bucky grumbles.

Steph hears the fridge open and rummaging around.

"Y'know Tony's old man thought you and Steph were totally fucking," Clint says with a smug tone.

"Well we weren't and we aren't," Bucky snaps. "You are testing my patience, Barton."

The fridge door slams shut. Steph winces and really hopes Bucky wasn't using his metal arm. The fridge door is not reinforced.

"I just want to know what exactly your relationship with Steph is. It's rather ambiguous to everyone else."

"Well join the fucking club, Barton," Bucky snaps.

Steph, too, is confused on the exact nature of the relationship with Bucky.

"Let's just go and spar. I feel like beating the shit out of something," Bucky says, frustrated.

"Can you just use punching bags this time? I didn't even get a hit in last time," Clint complains as his voice fades back into the elevator.

Steph feels guilty about listening on the conversation but doesn't say anything about it to Bucky, even though she knows she should.

* * *

Steph hasn't spent a lot of time with Sam in the past few months. They meet up every couple of weeks but the truth is, Sam's life is in DC and her life is in New York. She misses the company he offers and plans to head over to stay with him for a couple of weeks.

_("Don't destroy New York when I'm gone," she half jokingly tells the rest of the team._

"_Pepper will keep us in check," Bruce promises solemnly. _

"_I'm only a phone call away but if I have to come back for any reason other than a life threatening one – I will not be very happy."_

"_Yes mother," Clint and Tony say at the same time._

_Natasha slaps them over the head._

"_Say hi to Sam for me. Tell him he should come to New York more often.")_

Steph ends up taking Bucky with her since he a) doesn't sleep very well on his own and b) asked to come along. They pack up a car and head over to Washington. It's only a four-hour road trip but a road trip nonetheless.

Bucky tries to put his feet on the dash, but Steph shoots him a look that has him pouting for at least a half an hour. They listen to a mix of music back from their time and some CD that Tony and Clint had put together claiming that it 'summed up music from before she was frozen to just before she was thawed.'

Bucky stares out the window for a majority of the trip, AC blowing in his face. Steph has to admit; it makes him look somewhat akin to a puppy.

"This is nice," Bucky comments just after the two-hour mark. "I've never been able to just enjoy traveling before."

"We could take a longer road trip, if you'd like," Steph offers. "Visit the Grand Canyon."

"Wouldn't the Avengers need you?"

"They could do without me for a little bit. Let's call these next few weeks a trial period."

Bucky chuckles.

"I'll be surprised if they don't burn down the tower. You're like team babysitter sometimes, Steph," Bucky says.

"I had the same thought, a little while back," Steph answers. "But it's really great. They're all great."

"I'm glad," Bucky says.

Steph glances over and Bucky's smiling at her.

"What?"

"I dunno, you just never made friends easily before and now you have all these great friends," Bucky says.

"They are pretty great," Steph agrees. "But they aren't great as the jerk sitting next to me."

Bucky snorts.

"You're a punk."

Steph grins. Bucky turns back to watching out the window. Steph just hums along to the radio.

* * *

"I don't have room for both of you," Sam says as he opens the door. "I only have on spare bedroom."

"Sorry I didn't warn you beforehand," Steph says apologetically. "I was kind of caught up in just getting here. Don't worry about it though – Buck and I can share."

Sam raises an eyebrow. His eyes go from Steph to Bucky and back to Steph as the two of them step inside.

"So are you two like a … thing?" Sam asks.

Steph laughs awkwardly, recalling the conversation she overheard between Bucky and Clint.

"No it's nothing like that. Bucky just sleeps better when he has someone with him," Steph says. "Right Buck?"

Bucky is a silent, his eyes sweeping over Sam's place. His shoulders are tense.

"I'll sleep on the couch," Bucky says after a beat.

"Wait, Bucky," Steph says.

"I can sleep on my own, Steph," Bucky snaps.

"Ooookay," Sam says. "Why don't you just put your stuff in the guest bedroom and we can deal with this later. I'm sure you're hungry from the trip up; I've got some burgers I can throw on the grill. I don't know about you, Bucky but Steph eats like an animal."

Steph punches Sam lightly in the shoulder.

"I was hungry, okay? One tends to get hungry when there have been multiple attempts on their life."

Sam laughs.

"I could go for something to eat. Steph only packed vegetables and fruit for the trip up," Bucky shrugs.

"No road trip snacks?" Sam says, appalled. "That's awful. A crime against humanity, almost."

"It's bad for you!" Steph says defensively.

Sam and Bucky both scoff.

"It's not like it would matter with metabolisms like ours," Bucky says.

"Alright, on the way back we can get something else," Steph concedes.

* * *

It's late. Sam and Steph spent most of the night snipping back and forth, while Bucky just watched. After dinner, Steph offered to the dishes but Sam told her that once they started to get on his nerves she'd have to earn her keep, but for now they were guests. Sam got a blanket and pillow for Bucky and bid them a goodnight with a heavy yawn.

Steph putts her stuff in the empty dresser in the guest room before going to bed. She didn't have time to do so earlier and wants to get comfortable as soon as possible. Bucky's bag, messily rifled through as he took what he needed for the night, sits in the corner. (Bucky didn't want to leave his mess in the middle of Sam's living room.) Steph contemplates putting it with her stuff in the drawers, put inevitably decides against it. She thinks it would make Bucky uncomfortable,

There's a knock on her door as she bends down to put her pants in the bottom drawer.

"Come in," she calls and turns to see Bucky standing in the entranceway.

There's a pillow tucked under his arm. His hair is mussed up and he's got an embarrassed frown on his face. Steph can't help but thinks he looks adorable.

"I can't sleep on that couch," he says. "It hurts my back."

Steph rolls her eyes.

"Well you're welcome to share the bed," she says.

"Sorry about earlier," Bucky says, throwing his pillow on the bed. "It's just Clint said something awhile back and it's really been bothering me.

"It's okay," Steph says.

The bed is smaller than the one back in Stark Tower so they really have to squeeze to fit. Steph turns off the lights and they settle in. Tonight, Bucky is curled around her, metal arm cool against her bare skin. She's tired from driving and really just wants a good sleep before she and Sam go for their jog in a handful of hours.

"Did you know everyone thinks we're doing it?" Bucky says, trying to be casual.

Steph sighs and pushes Bucky away from her. She turns on the light and stares at him. Bucky smiles sheepishly.

"Do you really wanna talk about this now or do you wanna wait until morning?" he says.

"Well I'm wide awake now, so now it's happening now," Steph says.

"So yeah, Clint says that everyone told me that everyone thinks we're fucking," Bucky says.

"I've thought as much," Steph replies. "Howard thought so too."

"Yeah Clint told me," Bucky says.

Steph is quiet for a few moments.

"What is it?" Bucky asks. "It's a little ridiculous don't you think. Like who would ever think that we are in relationship? I mean us?"

Bucky gets a little hysterical at the end.

"It's just that I heard your conversation with Clint the other day. I was in my studio and I knew I shouldn't have listened, but you were so loud," Steph blurts.

"Oh," Bucky whispers. "So you heard that. Clint's been poking at me about that for awhile."

"So what are we, Buck?" Steph asks. "Everyone else is confused about what we are. We're confused about what we are."

"Why can't we just be Steph and Bucky like we were before?" Buck questions.

"Because we aren't just Steph and Bucky anymore," Steph says sadly.

"I wish we were," Bucky says. "How did this happen to us? Two kids from Brooklyn are now two of the most famous and infamous people on the planet."

"If I recall, one of your goals was to be famous," Steph laughs.

"I don't remember that," Bucky replies.

"Oh, sorry," Steph says quickly.

"No, it's okay," Bucky says.

They're silent for a long while.

"Gracie broke up with me because she said I was looking for you in her," Bucky says suddenly. "She said that she couldn't be with someone who was so obviously in love with someone else."

"She once laughed at me because I said you thought of me as one of your siblings," Steph counters.

"I guess we aren't projecting the wrong thing to other people," Steph says, attempting to put what had happened into words. "It's like everyone else got it, except for us."

"God, we're so fucking stupid," Bucky laughs.

"I guess we are," Steph laughs too.

Steph brings her hand above the covers and lays it between them. Bucky does the same and they press their palms together and entwine their fingers.

"We've been doin' this since the first moment we met," Bucky says. "I don't remember all of it, but I know we're always close and touching each other. Like do normal friends do that?"

"We're not normal friends, we're Steph and Bucky," Steph answers easily.

Steph strokes her thumb along Bucky's palm. They sit there quietly for a few minutes.

"Oh my god!" Sam yells through the wall. "Just fucking admit that you're in love with each other and go to sleep!"

Steph laughs.

"Well?" she says looking at Bucky.

"Stephanie Grace Barnes," Bucky begins.

"This isn't a wedding proposal, Buck," Steph says.

"Just let the man speak!" Sam cries. "The sooner you two get through this, the faster I can sleep. And as a courtesy, but I think you know this already, these walls are _paper _thin."

Bucky sighs.

"Steph, I don't remember when it happened, but I have a feeling it's been forever. I love you. I love you so much."

"Bucky, I love you too," Steph replies. "I'm a little at a loss for words. I never thought this would actually happen."

"Same."

"This doesn't change anything, right?"

"Maybe just a little," Bucky says and grins deviously.

He moves forward and kisses Steph. It's chaste and short.

"Okay let's go to sleep now," Bucky yawns, pulling away.

Steph laughs lightly and leans over to turn the light. They curl up around each other and fall asleep easily – as if nothing has changed.

Because it really hasn't.

* * *

Steph and Sam go out for a run in the morning – before sunrise. Despite their late night, they are chipper and eager to get running. Bucky is not a morning person and upon seeing the lack of sun yanked the blanket back over himself and promptly fell back asleep.

Sam and Steph stand in front of Sam's house, stretching in the cool morning air, when Sam turns and looks at Steph.

"I promised myself I wasn't going to ask this, but were you two really that oblivious?" Sam asks.

Steph shrugs and kicks back her leg to perform a few lunges. She twists her upper half, pausing to look at Sam.

"We always loved each other and we weren't afraid to show it," Steph replies. "I guess we just didn't realize how encompassing it was."

Sam nods, smiling as he joins Steph in her lunges.

"You know your pals back in New York have a bet right?" Sam says.

Steph shakes her head, laughing.

"No, but it doesn't surprise me. We're always betting about things. Have you already sent them the news?"

Sam shakes his head and grins deviously.

"Can I ask you a huge favour?"

"You're part of it too?" Steph groans.

"I could get a ton of money of one of the richest men in the world, of course I got in that action!" Sam exclaims as if it's wrong that Steph even had to ask.

"What did you have?"

"I definitely it would've been on your birthday, a little Fourth of July surprise, yanno?" Sam shrugs.

Steph shakes her head, chuckling.

"So you want me to set up a fake 'new' relationship so you can win a bet with Tony?"

Sam nods.

"It's only like two months," Sam says.

"I'll tell you what," Steph says slowly, stopping her stretches and checking her watch.

Sam grins and nods.

"If you can get back to the house before I do, I'll do it," Steph grins and takes off.

"Oh come on!" Sam cries chasing after her.

Steph cackles for at least a lap.

* * *

The weeks with Sam fly by and soon Steph and Bucky find themselves packing up the car (with Sam approved 'road trip snacks') and preparing to head back to New York.

"Wish I could stay longer, Sam, but you know, duty calls," Steph smiles.

"Tough job being Captain America, I gotta say," Sam grins back and opens his arms.

They enjoy a tight hug.

"Come back whenever, you hear? You should up on my doorstep as a fugitive once, so anything else is welcome. I'm sure it can't get any worse," Sam says. "I don't care what the reason is, you're always welcome."

"Same goes for us," Steph says. "We have plenty of space to fill in the tower."

The hug ends and the two of them just regard each other fondly for a second. Sam breaks it and looks at Bucky.

"You too big guy," Sam laughs, holding out his arms and signaling for Bucky to come closer. "Don't think you could leave without at hug. You're welcome whenever too. Anyone who can destroy six of my pans trying to make toast deserves to be hailed as hero."

Bucky smiles sheepishly and hugs Sam. Their hug is much briefer and not as tight.

"Tell those yahoos in New York I said hi," Sam says. "And remember July 4th, Steph. You promised!"

Steph smiles mysteriously.

"I guess I did, but we'll see if the others catch on though," Steph says. "I am living with two super spies and a tower with a personality. I think Jarvis likes me enough to keep a secret from Tony."

Bucky rolls his eyes.

"They walls sure aren't as thin as they are here," Bucky smirks.

Sam grimaces but the smile is back on his face almost immediately.

"You guys have a safe trip back, let me know when you're back in New York," Sam says.

Sam nods.

"Hey, Buck, you wanna drive?" Steph asks.

Bucky breaks into a smile as Steph tosses him the keys and jogs out to the car. Steph looks at Sam one last time.

"Thanks for being like the coolest dude on the planet, Sam," Steph says. "I'm going to miss you and lapping you three or four times on my morning run."

"Yeah, yeah," Sam grumbles, but he's smiling. "I'm going to miss you too. You better get going or your boy's going to get jealous."

Steph laughs and punches Sam lightly in the shoulder before turning to catch up to Bucky. He's not quite at the car and looking off into the distance, keys dangling in his right arm. Steph can't see anything in particular that he's looking at.

He turns to looks at her quickly as her sneakers crunch against the pavement and loose gravel. Bucky smiles at her. It's soft and warm. He holds out his metal arm and waits patiently for her to take it. Steph pauses for a moment to mentally memorize the scene. She wants to get Bucky's expression just right so she can immortalize it on paper later.

It reminds Steph of the first time they met, all those years ago in the schoolyard in Brooklyn. Suddenly she's just a child and Bucky, a year older, is standing over her with a concerned look on his face, hand out as Steph stubbornly refuses to be refused and treated like a delicate flower.

"Stephanie," Bucky calls. "You getting lost in there?"

Steph snaps out at it and smiles. She crosses the distance and firmly grabs his hand.

"Just rememberin'," she murmurs.

"Me too," Bucky replies softly and grins.

Bucky leans over and presses a kiss to Steph's ear.

"Let's go home," he murmurs.

"Sounds like a plan, _m'fhíorghrá,_" she answers.


End file.
